• The Short Life And Mysterious Death of Amy Robsart Dudley

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    Imagine, if you will, the sort of bright sunny day with nothing going wrong as in the opening of an episode of Law and Order: SUV. It’s early fall in 1560 at the estate of Sir Anthony Forster, which looks sort of like Downton Abbey in the sense of it may be a “country home” but he’s also super rich and it’s basically a mansion. A stressed-out looking woman in her mid-20s is yelling at two older women. This is our heroine, AMY ROBSART DUDLEY. “I insist you must all go to the fair!” she screams. “But madam,” protest the women, “It is unseemly for gentlewomen to go the fair on a Sunday.” “Well this Sunday, YOU’RE GOING!!” Amy yells, and, cowed, the other women rush off. Amy watched them, her lovely face inscrutable, then she strides off purposefully.

    CUT TO: the ladies return home, hours later, from the fair. There is a crowd of household staff gathering at a staircase near the back of the house. “What is it?” demand the ladies, suddenly scared. The male servants, the only ones left behind during the trip to the fair, stop them before they can get any closer.

    And then the camera swoops around them to the bottom of a short flight of stairs. AMY is lying there, still in her same gorgeous gown, blood trailing from two head wounds, neck broken. She is dead. An accident… OR MURDER??

    Cue: the opening credits.

    Who Was Amy Robsart?

    Clara Pasieka as Amy Robsart Dudley on Reign (2015)

    Twenty-eight years before she was found dead at the bottom of the stairs, Amy Robsart was born in Norfolk to gentleman-farmer Sir John Robsart of Syderstone and his wife, Elizabeth Scott. She was their only child, and as such, the heir to John’s fortune and estate. She was well educated for a girl for the time, as evidenced by what remain of her letters. She wrote with neat handwriting, displaying intelligence and thoughtfulness. She would have understood the importance of her role as heiress, knowing that her choice of husband would be decided by her father and should, in some way, elevate their family’s position. Which is why it’s such a surprise twist to her life story when she suddenly got married, three days before her eighteenth birthday, for love-related reasons.

    As much as the stereotype exists that women in olden times got married as young teens, the average age of marriage was usually at least in the mid-20s for a woman. Her husband, Robert Dudley, was also young for a groom at eighteen. Despite his family’s wealth and influence, he was also the fourth son and nobody expected much from him. Amy and Robert had likely met about a year before their marriage, when Robert and his family had briefly stayed in the Robsarts’ home on their way back from a military battle. Clearly the two had taken notice of one another during this brief visit, and why wouldn’t they? From what we know about Robert later in life (when he became infamous as Queen Elizabeth I’s #1 crush), he was tall, handsome, and charismatic. Amy has been described as “very beautiful” and is known to have been clever and very interested in fashion so likely looked amazing in very cute outfits. Throw in teenage hormones and the general Renaissance feeling that you could die at any moment from plague, and the two were all in.

    Robert had grown up alongside King Henry VIII’s son Edward. When Edward inherited the throne as Edward VI, Robert stayed on as one of his gentlemen — and Robert’s father became an influential advisor to the boy king. His father agreed to the teen marriage, likely because an alliance with the Robsarts meant access to their lands in Norfolk. my’s father also consented to the match, and the two fathers hashed out a prenuptial agreement noting that Amy wouldn’t inherit the land until after both of her parents had died. One cute detail: Amy and Robert’s wedding ceremony had a charming bohemian vibe, as they cut costs by piggybacking on another marriage, re-using the flowers and re-inviting most of the guests from the previous ceremony. Among the attendees was King Edward VI (Henry VIII’s teenage son).

    Basically right away, their marriage was marked by a lack of anywhere to live. They initially lived with Robert’s parents, then moved onto Sometset House, for which Robert was the keeper. Both of them were wealthy, but it was in a real estate sort of way — their families owned property, but not actually a house for these two teen lovebirds to live in. They also didn’t have children right away, which may have surprised some who’d assumed theirs was a shotgun marriage-type scenario. But soon enough, Amy had more to worry about than her own fertility of lack of a permanent home because: Robert, his father, and brothers were all arrested and thrown in the Tower of London! Why? Oh just for the Lady Jane Grey Scenario/treason.

    The Lady Jane Grey Scenario

    Clara Pasieka as Amy Robsart Dudley on Reign (2015)

    You can learn about Lady Jane Grey here to get a fuller picture, but if you just need a quick recap: buckle up. So, boy King Edward VI became quite sick all of a sudden with something like measles followed by tuberculosis. This was wildly inconvenient for just about everyone because the King was fifteen years old and didn’t have an heir. Robert’s father, unwilling to give up the power he’d enjoyed as the King’s advisor, hurriedly schemed to figure out a way he could retain his influence over the crown. A major crisis was that, without an obvious heir, the throne seems like it may be handed over to Edward’s older sister, Mary. But she was a Catholic, and England had basically spent the past several decades being Very Protestant. Edward’s other sister, Elizabeth, was Protestant but there wasn’t a way to legally bypass Mary to get to her. And so — still not dead, but very sick and on his deathbed — Edward authorized a document removing both of his sisters from succession, and naming his cousin Lady Jane Grey as the next monarch.

    And what did Robert’s father do? Well, he got Robert’s brother Guildford Dudley married to Lady Jane Grey to ensure that the Dudley family would be able to puppetmaster Jane as a pawn/queen. This plan worked great for exactly nine days, until Mary stormed into town with the support of literally everybody, and took over and became Queen Mary I. And she, rather understandably, threw the whole Dudley family (and Jane) into jail for scheming against her. Although Robert wasn’t directly involved in the scheme (i.e. he wasn’t the one married to Jane Grey), he was sentenced to death along with his brothers and father because he probably at least knew what they’d been planning. Where did this leave Amy? Well, like the other Dudley spouses (other than Jane), she was left to sit around and wait to see if she was about to become a widow or not.

    Amy and the other wives were permitted conjugal visits with their husbands during the year that the Dudley men were imprisoned. Do you know who was in jail at around the same time? Oh, just the Queen’s half-sister Elizabeth, who was also around the same age as Robert. Rumour has it that it was during this stressful time in jail, not knowing if they would live or die, that Robert and Elizabeth began to form a meaningful connection. They likely knew each other already, from both having grown up around Edward VI, but to paraphrase the first Harry Potter book: there are some experiences that just bond you for life, and being thrown in jail to be potentially executed is one of those things. This may not have been the case but just note: everything after this suggests that Elizabeth loved Robert and Robert loved Elizabeth and Amy’s just totally out of the picture.

    After about a year, Robert’s father and brother Guildford, along with Jane, were executed. But Robert himself was freed, and was able to reunite with Amy (although he may or may not have been in love with Elizabeth already). It turns out that having your family disgraced and executed for treason makes an already frugal lifestyle even more challenging, and Amy and Robert found themselves even shorter on funds than they’d been before. They depended largely on gifts of money from Amy’s father, and basically crossing their fingers and hoping for the best. Well, that’s what Amy was doing but guess what Robert was up to? Oh just making up for lost time away from royal court by racking up debts on gambling and fancy clothes. Ugh, Robert, could you think about someone else for five seconds?? (Spoiler: he cannot, will not, and does not, for the rest of his life). Was he spending all of this money, perhaps, to buy impressive outfits to impress Elizabeth? I’m not saying he was, but I’m not saying he wasn’t. Bear in mind, though, that Mary was still Queen at this point and Elizabeth was just a gorgeous, athletic Princess with whom Robert had shared some very intense experiences in prison.

    The Couch-Surfing Years

    Clara Pasieka as Amy Robsart Dudley in Reign (2015)

    In 1554, Amy’s father died. But as per her marriage contract, she and Robert wouldn’t inherit any of his property until after her mother also died. And as her mother was still alive, this inheritance was no help to the increasingly strained Robsart-Dudley marital finances. But!! Three years later, Amy’s mother died, which was obviously super distressing for her but also likely brought a sense of relief because at least now she had some finances coming in. Unfortunately, her ancestral home was uninhabitable (i.e. it was falling apart and gross), so Amy and Robert had to continue on with their couch-surfing lifestyle. Later this same year, Robert headed off with the armed forces to fight a battle in France on behalf of Mary I (and her dirtbag husband, Philip). With him away, Amy took over running the household and it’s from here that we have some remaining examples of her letters. We see that she very capably stepped up to run things, very able tracking their finances and doing her best to get some of Robert’s debts paid down.

    Robert survived the battle, and returned home to Amy. His time in the army did lots to fix the Dudley family reputation, as Mary I’s husband Philip spoke well of Robert and so the Queen was now a fan. With their fortunes looking a bit better, Amy and Robert were now determined to finally figure out some sort of permanent home for themselves. This episode of House Hunters International: Renaissance Norfolk was interrupted by the sudden death of Queen Mary I; meaning that the Dudley family’s hard work winning over the new Queen became pointless. HOWEVER, Robert’s #1 crush Elizabeth then became Queen Liz I and Robert’s fortunes suddenly got a whole lot better. So, it’s clear that these two were already on very good terms, because she seems to have used her influence to get Robert assigned the very prestigious job of Master of the Horse. This job involved arranging all of Elizabeth’s business trips (which, being in the 16th century, involved a lot of horses and carriages) as well as tending to the Queen’s other whims on a very regular basis. And so, Robert headed off to live in London at royal court… leaving Amy behind.

    If absence makes the heart grow fonder, the opposite of that was happening vis-a-vis Robert and Elizabeth as their continued closeness seemed to bring them even closer. By 1599, diplomats were reporting back to their home countries that the Queen was in love with Robert — to the point that she was spending too much time horseback riding and hunting than she was doing actual Queen-related jobs. If Robert had been single, this would have led to potential concerns that the Queen was going to marry him. As he was married, this led to concerns that the Queen was in love with a married man. Neither situation was very good for anyone, least of which all of the ambitious and gross men who were always running around like Varys and Littlefinger on Game of Thrones, figuring out ways to gain more and more power. It didn’t help out that Robert’s room was basically around the corner from Elizabeth’s, meaning he could rush to her side at any time of day or night.

    So the thing is that Queens in this time and place couldn’t just marry anyone. Marriages of princesses and minor noblewomen were closely monitored so that they’d have the best possible political outcomes. As a single woman, Elizabeth was like The Bachelorette: Renaissance, with every single King and Prince and noble constantly sending her marriage proposals. It wasn’t just that they thought she was gorgeous and genius-level intelligent (both of which she was), but these men also likely assumed if they married her, they’d get to be in charge of England. After all, when Elizabeth’s sister Mary had married Philip, he wound up King of England, right? So Elizabeth’s advisors were panicking over who she should marry; the option that she marry someone like Robert, who was basically a commoner, was about the worst case scenario for any of them. The only thing seemingly keeping that marriage from happening was that Amy was still alive and still married to Robert… but rumours started circulating that maybe she was dying.

    These rumours really took off because Amy was not invited to spend much time at all at royal court, so nobody really knew what she was like. Robert visited her for a few days in 1559, and Amy stayed in London for about a month later that year. But other than that, Robert was living in a connecting room to Elizabeth in the royal palace while Amy was couch surfing in the home of yet another of their royal friends. And then the rumours got even weirded, as word started to spread that Robert was SECRETLY POISONING AMY so she’d die and he could marry Elizabeth. These rumours weren’t really about Amy, they were mostly meant to discredit Robert. We know now that Elizabeth’s unwillingness to marry was her superpower; but at the time, her councillors were freaking out and blamed Robert for her lack of marrying anyone else. Which is why they (the coucillors) began plotting to ASSASSINATE ROBERT. And meanwhile, allegedly, Elizabeth forbade Robert from seeing Amy or having anything to do with her.

    Amy’s Final Days

    Clara Pasieka as Amy Robsart Dudley on Reign (2015)

    So whither Amy??? Well, she kept bopping around from house to house, relying on the kindness of other wealthy people. She eventually wound up in a place called Cumnor Hall, in Berkshire. The house was — like Downton Abbey — a renovated 14th century abbey, and was being rented out by a man named Sir Anthony Forster (no relation to me; potentially he was a relative of Amy’s). The other occupants of this sort of island of misfit toys were Anthony’s wife and two women named Mrs. Odingsells and Mrs. Owen, who were relatives of the abbey’s owner. It sounds like a super nice place to stay, and the grounds included a pond, a deer park, and a terrace garden. Amy may have been a houseguest, but she got the nicest apartment of anyone. She had her own separate entrance with a staircase (foreshadowing) leading up to it.

    Amy paid for her own lifestyle out of her inheritance, including paying for ten of her own servants. She may have been abandoned by her husband, but she didn’t mope around but rather is recorded as continuing to spend money having new dresses made (bear in mind, one fancy dress back then cost about as much as a good car nowadays). She had now been married to Robert for just over ten years, was twenty-eight years old, and seemingly doing her best to make lemonade out of an incredibly strange situation. She ordered a dress on August 24, 1560, perhaps because Robert had been making noises about potentially coming by for a visit and she maybe wanted to show him what he was missing.

    On Saturday, September 7, 1560, Queen Elizabeth turned twenty-seven years old. The following day, a fair was held in the town of Abingdon, near where Amy was staying at the abbey. While it was not the usual practice for gentlewomen to attend fairs on Sunday, Amy apparently insisted that Mrs. Odingsells and Mrs. Owens went to the fair, leaving her in the house with just a handful of staff. When the household returned home from the fair, Amy was laying dead at the bottom of the stairs leading up to her apartment, her neck broken, with two gauge-like holes in her skull.

    The Investigation

    Amy Robsart exhibited 1877 William Frederick Yeames 1835-1918 Presented by the Trustees of the Chantrey Bequest 1877 http://www.tate.org.uk/art/work/N01609

    Robert, who had been at Windsor Castle with the Queen this whole time (alibi?) was informed of his wife’s death one day after her body had been found. He is said to have reacted with shock and surprise, and he rushed off to Cumnor Hall to see what all was going on. He was prepared to demand on an inquest into her death, but found one was already in process. Here’s how that worked: the coroner pulled together a group of fifteen gentlemen in a sort of jury, who were brought in to view Amy’s body and poke around to see what clues they could find in and around her body (from which they removed the clothes, in order to look for bruises, etc., on her body).

    The investigators spoke with other members of the household, from whom they learned about Amy’s angry insistence that everyone go to the fair, as well as her habit of apparently praying that God would deliver her of her desperation. This second note came from Amy’s maid, Mrs. Picto, who seems to have been the first to suggest her death may have been suicide. A possible clue against that was Amy’s ordering of a dress just over a week before her fatal fall; would a suicidal woman have been making plans like this? But then again, the date of her death seems more than a coincidence: why would she die one day after the Queen’s birthday? Had the thought of her husband off celebrating with his new love driven her to kill herself? More than one of Amy’s former acquaintances at Cumnor Hall noted that she had a “strange mind” — she was prone to angry mood swings. While there had been rumours she was quite ill, no illness was mentioned during the time of this investigation.

    Ultimately, the jury found that Amy’s death and fall had been accidental. Her neck broke as she fell, and the other head wounds were likely from hitting her head against the stone stairs. Her fall had only been of a short distance, eight steps. Their conclusion was that she had merely fallen in an unlucky position. When Robert heard their findings, he was relieved but also suggested that another jury may want to investigate, just to truly clear his name. Oh, because obviously as soon as news of Amy’s death came out, everybody assumed Robert had done it so that he’d be freed up to marry Elizabeth. And Robert knew that, as long as he was a suspected wife-killer, he’d never be able to marry her. He paid the full cost of an ornate burial for Amy, and left royal court to spend his mourning time away. He wore mourning colours for six months; the royal court did the same for one month.

    Yet, even at the time, rumours ran rampant that Amy’s death was far too conveniently timed to truly be an accident. Rumours that she had, perhaps… been MURDERED!

    The Suspects

    Scenario 1: Amy Tripped And Fell (And Died)

    Barnes, Edward Charles; Amy Robsart (1532-1560), Looking at the Portrait of Leicester; Herbert Art Gallery & Museum; http://www.artuk.org/artworks/amy-robsart-15321560-looking-at-the-portrait-of-leicester-55307

    In 1910, the historian A.F. Pollard supported the theory that Amy’s death was merely an unlucky accident. In 2008, The National Archives released the coroner’s report from Amy’s death. Its details support — unsurprisingly — what the coroner had announced at the time: that Amy had an extraordinarily unlucky fall. How could someone break their neck falling just eight steps, though? Well, in 1956 a medical professor named Ian Aird suggested that Amy may have had breast cancer (supported by a note in contemporaneous documents that she had a malady of the breast) which may have led to cancerous deposits in her spine that would weaken her neck enough that even a slight fall could have killed her.

    Also of note: there are theories that Amy had been the victim of unknowing poisoning for some time, which may have also led to whatever symptoms of illness she may or may not have been displaying.

    Scenario 2: Amy Killed Herself

    Oil portrait of Amy Robsart made in 1870 by painter William Frederick Yeames

    People who support this theory base it on Amy’s maid’s description of Amy’s mood swings and having prayed to be delivered from her current troubles. In addition, combined with the breast cancer possibility (and the ensuing lack of pain management or effective cancer treatments in the 16th century), she may have been living in chronic pain which could have added to her depression. This theory explains why she was so adament about sending away most of the household to the fair: she wanted to be alone when she killed herself. Her depression may have been exacerbated by her husband’s cruelty, by knowledge that the day beforehand Robert had been off partying with Elizabeth for her birthday, and potentially by the medical effects of either her illness or her being long-term poisoned.

    This theory first came to prominence in 1870, when the historian George Adlard printed letters between Amy and Robert which he felt supported the theory of Amy’s suicidal depression. Yet, if she really wanted to kill herself, why wouldn’t she use a steeper set of stairs to be more sure she’d die? Throwing oneself down eight stairs doesn’t seem like a particularly effective method of killing oneself, unless one had calcified bones from cancer (see above) but why would she know she had that if she had that?

    Scenario 3: Robert Dudley Did It (Or Hired Someone To Do It)

    Detail from a painting of Robert Dudley made c. 1563 by Steven van der Meulen

    The coroner’s report notes not just that Amy’s neck had broken, but also that she had two “dyntes” in her skull — two wounds, one 1/4-inch deep and the other 2-inches deep. These seem to suggest injuries other than what may be sustained by a fall down eight stairs.

    Robert Dudley and Queen Elizabeth I were both at Windsor Castle at the time that Amy died at Cumnor Hall, so if either or both were involved they almost certainly would have hired someone else to do the actual killing. Now, this isn’t evidence, but it’s incredibly juicy gossip so get ready. In 1584 (twenty-four years after Amy’s death), an anonymous book called Leicester’s Commonwealth began circulating around London (note: by then, Robert had made Earl of Leicester). Though the author’s identity is unknown, this book was almost definitely the work of Catholics who opposed Elizabeth’s Protestantism and Robert’s influence over the Queen. It’s basically a laundry list of every terrible thing Robert had ever been alleged of doing, including (according to this bonkers book) arranging Amy’s death as well as the deaths of some other inconvenient spouses of some other people.

    It’s from this book that some details, now often assumed to be factual, were first invented, such as: that Amy’s body still wore her headdress, undisturbed (suggesting that she hadn’t fallen down the stairs at all). The popularity of this book kept the rumours about Robert’s potential wife-murdering alive. In 1608, a play called A Yorkshire Tragedy included a line noting that falling down the stairs was an easy way to get rid of an inconvenient wife. In 1821, Sir Walter Scott published a novel called Kenilworth, which re-told the death of Amy using much of the scandalous made-up detail from Leicester’s Commonwealth. The Scott novel was a huge hit, and inspired a whole craze of artists using Amy’s death as inspiration for new paintings.

    Later in the 19th century, two more historians consulted contemporaneous correspondence that they felt proved Robert had been poisoning Amy and, therefore, must have been responsible for hiring the person who killed her. The thing is, the correspondence both of these historians used to base their theories had been written by Bishop de la Quadra, a Spanish ambassador who hated Robert Dudley. It’s from de Quadra’s papers that we get details such as the rumours that Amy was being poisoned, as well as a recounting of de Quadra’s conversation with Cecil, allegedly taking place before Amy’s death, in which Cecil confides his suspicions that Robert and Elizabeth may be planning to kill Amy.

    While it’s the most dramatically satisfying solution, the concept of Robert as Amy’s murder have been mostly discredited based on available information. The main thing is that Robert’s letters from just after Amy’s death suggest a man who is in shock and distraught and who is wholly unprepared to deal with this situation. Robert was also clever, so if he had decided to kill his wife he likely wouldn’t have done it in such a suspicious manner. After all, her death and the ensuing scandal were what prevented him from being able to pursue marriage with Elizabeth.

    That being said, there is more evidence that Robert may have influenced the findings of the coroner’s inquest into Amy’s death. The jury foreman was potentially a former household servant of Elizabeth’s, connecting him to both the Queen as well as to Robert. Yet, Robert’s suggestion of a second inquest seems to negate thoughts that he’d unduly influenced the first one. And also, as noted by historian Susan Doran, if Robert did lean on the jury to find the death an accident he could have been covering up for Amy’s suicide rather than for a murder.

    Scenario 4: William Cecil

    William Cecil, painted after 1587 by an unknown artist

    So, historians including Alison Weir (and the novelist Fiona Buckley) have suggested that Elizabeth’s trusted secretary (and notoriously cutthroat schemer) William Cecil may have been the mastermind behind Amy’s murder. At the time of her death, he was noted to be extremely agitated by the possibility that Elizabeth may marry Robert. And certainly, the odd and vaguely suspicious manner of Amy’s death did have the result of ruining any chance of Elizabeth taking Robert as her husband. So this scenario theorizes that Amy’s death wasn’t about her at all, but was a small piece in a larger plan to ruin Robert’s reputation. Whether Cecil was responsible or not, he certainly leaned into the tragedy in order to increase his badmouthing of Robert around town.

    For instance: remember above, the Spanish Ambassador’s letters relating Cecil worrying that Robert might be about to kill Amy? So it seems very likely that Cecil had found out before anyone else that Amy was dead. As such, he rushed over to gossip with the Spanish Ambassador like, “Oh wow, rumour has it Robert Dudley may be trying to kill his wife like, if Amy shows up dead, chances are it’s Robert who killed her.” And lo and behold: Amy was dead. So the Spanish Ambassador was like, “OMG Dudley is the killer!!” but actually, Cecil is just the ultimate puppet-master.

    That being said, this doesn’t necessarily mean that Cecil was involved in Amy’s death; it could just mean tha the took advantage of the situation for his own gain. But it also shows how he was playing 3-D chess against a bunch of people who were very bad at Checkers, so framing Robert for Amy’s death is not not Cecil’s style. Plus he super hated Robert Dudley and would do anything to prevent him from marrying Elizabeth.

    Scenario 5: Sir Richard Verney (Who?) Did It

    The name Sir Richard Verney appears in a 1563 chronicle about Amy’s death, as well as in the 1584 mostly made-up propaganda book, Leicester’s Commonwealth. the assassin is identified as a servant of Robert’s named Sir Richard Verney. In that work, Verney is shown to be working on orders of Robert to first attempt to poison Amy to death until he eventually breaks her neck. In Kenilworth, Scott suggests that Verney acted on his own volition and killed Amy to help our Robert — but that Robert had never assigned the task to him. first poison, then kill

    Aftermath

    Rather than freeing up Robert and Elizabeth to marry, the suspicious circumstances of Amy’s death made their union impossible. The jury may have cleared Robert of responsibility, but he’d made so many enemies at court that nobody was ready to believe him innocent as it was to everyone else’s advantage to continue to treat him as a murderer. It took a bit for Elizabeth to realize the PR nightmare that had overtaken her favourite, but once she did, she accepted that to marry a suspected wife-killer would destroy her own reputation. She kept Robert around for the rest of his life (including as he married and had children with two other women, including Elizabeth’s much-younger doppelganger!) but never married him, nor anyone.

    References And Further Reading

    The main book I used in preparing this essay was Chris Skidmore’s Death and the Virgin Queen: Elizabeth I and the Dark Scandal That Rocked the Throne, which really gets into all of the pros and cons of all the various suspects and scenarios.

    The storylines of the novels To Shield The Queen by Fiona Buckley and The Virgin’s Lover by Philippa Gregory hinge on the truth of Amy’s death.

    Amy Robsart Dudley appears as a character in the miniseries The Virgin Queen, portrayed by Emilia Fox; and in the third season of Reign, portrayed by Clara Pasieka.

  • King Henry V: The Real Story Behind Netflix’s The King

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    Welcome to a Super Special Essay! Much like when the Babysitters Club or Sweet Valley High had adventures a bit outside of their usual, this is my first essay for this site to focus on a man. DON’T WORRY: as a special bonus, it turns out that this man was married to ONE OF THE COOLEST WOMAN WHO EVER LIVED and I talk about her as well.

    So, the thing is that Henry V was only King for a short period of time, and most of the victories he managed were mostly undone basically right after he died. Like, if Shakespeare hadn’t written three plays about him, he’d be far less known and less celebrated. Why did Shakespeare write about him? No idea. But there’s something compelling about his life story, as evidenced by the Netflix film The King, starring Timothée Chalamet. So, to catch us all up on just who this man was and why he matters (and if he matters?), here we go.

    Timothée the king
    Timothée Chalamet as Henry V in The King

    Beginnings

    Back in the days before people had last names, royals were referred to by their first name + the name of the city where they were born. Hence, our hero is aka Henry of Monmouth, which is the name of the castle in Wales where he was born in 1386. His parents were named Henry of Bolingbroke and Mary du Bohun, and they were all part of the royal family. Right away this gets mega complicated but we can get through this together. So Henry’s grandfather was John of Gaunt, who was the son of the previous King, Edward III. John of Gaunt was also the guardian of the current king, who was a boy named Richard II who was Henry’s first cousin once removed. Got it? OK great, because it gets more complicated.

    SO, Henry’s father Henry Sr. was exiled in 1398 for (reasons), at which point Richard II (who was now an adult) took over raising the younger Henry. Richard took Henry up to hang out in Ireland and Henry was still there when, one year later, John of Gaunt died and also, more importantly, Richard II was overthrown by the returning Henry Sr., who took over the throne and became King Henry IV. So now Henry Jr. was heir to the throne, which meant time for him to come back to England from Ireland. On November 10th, 1399, the twelve-year-old Henry of Monmouth was created Prince of Wales, Duke of Cornwall, Earl of Chester, and Duke of Aquitaine (yes, all at once).

    Then in 1402, aged fifteen, Henry was placed in charge of the English forces in a major military mission. This was at the time when it was totally normal and fine for Kings and heirs to the throne to literally lead military missions, which seems very risky but was a big part of being a King/Prince back then. First, Henry led an army into Wales against the very notorious Welsh rebel Owain Glyndŵr (who was very interesting and very determined to free Wales from English rule). Do you know who one of the Welsh people was fighting with Owain? Another guy also named Owain, in this instance Owain ap Maredudd ap Tudur. Wait, Tudur? That looks sort of like Tudor… and yes, it does because his Anglicized name is OWEN TUDOR. That’s right, this Welsh soldier just hanging out and fighting for his homeland is the first entree of a Tudor into the narrative of the English royal family!

    Following this campaign, Henry teamed up with his father to fight Henry “Hotspur” Percy, an Englishman who had allied with Owain against the monarchy and who supported the Welsh rebels. Their battle is now known as the Battle of Shrewsbury, and it culminated in Hotspur being killed and 16-year-old Henry getting an arrow to the face. Now, you’d think this would have killed him but it did not due in large part to Henry having access to one of the greatest doctors of this era. His genius physician used all the most cutting-edge Medieval treatments, including using the antiseptic properties of honey, along with a hastily-invented sort of corkscrew/fusilli-shaped tool used to extract the arrow shaft from Henry’s FACE, guess what: he survived with a cool scar, totally fine! And his first order of business was to continue leading his army against his nemesis, Owain “yes he’s still around being amazing and with the best-ever name” Glyndŵr and his trusty soldier, Owen Tudor!

    tom hiddleston the hollow crown 2
    Tom Hiddleston as Henry V in The Hollow Crown

    After a few years of battling against Owain (and Owen), Henry had to head back to London to help out because his father Henry IV had fallen ill with, we’re not sure what, but it involved a lot of pustules, was possibly leprosy and sounds pretty fucking horrifying. Like his eyeballs were dehydrated. And it was the fifteenth century so I can’t think of anything worse. So it was that Henry Jr. swung by and took over some of the politics-based King-adjacent work, working alongside his uncles Henry Beaufort (because every man in this story is named Henry) and Thomas Beaufort. (Recognize that surname? You should!). And rather than just keeping things status quo, Henry Jr. ruled with a firm hand and changed things up to introduce his own policies. But when his father was feeling better (or had his pustules drained or whatever), Henry Sr. popped back on the scene and un-did all of the changes Henry Jr. had made. Fathers, am I right?

    NOW here’s where things get complicated again. So the thing is, almost definitely, the Beaufort uncles both wanted to kick Henry IV off the throne for being a pretty shitty King (sidenote: they were not incorrect, Henry IV was, in addition to a man with dehydrated raisin eyeballs, not a very good King). But Henry Jr. did not want to do that, and so — possibly — his enemies, like the Beaufort uncles, began spreading rumours that Henry Jr. was a wildly irresponsible party animal. It’s this approach that Shakespeare uses in his plays Henry IV parts 1 and 2 (which, despite the title, are actually mostly about Henry Jr., not about his leprosy-ridden father). What we know for sure is what Henry looked like which was tall (at 6’3″, he was the tallest-ever King of England, still to this day!) and slim, clean-shaven, with a prominent, pointy nose, and he wore his dark hair just like Timothée Chalamet in The King — in a sort of pudding bowl style.

    Coronation

    But Henry Sr.’s return to power was short-lived as he died two years later. Right away, Henry Jr. was crowned as King Henry V. His coronation ceremony was held on April 9, 1413, and there was an unseasonal blizzard-y snowstorm going on which was so unusual that nobody could decide if it was a good omen or a bad omen. In a similar way to how he began acting decisively while filling in for his father, Henry V started his reign with a clear vision and lots of plans to reach his goals. Just as his own father had undone Henry’s changes during his previous brief quasi-reign, Henry himself now undid his father’s undoing of his own things he did… you see what I mean. But the effect of this was that this Henry wanted to make nice with the Welsh and do you know who he invited to come hang out with him at royal court? OWEN TUDOR. Yes, it was Henry V himself who personally invited the TUDORS INTO THE CASTLE. Forget the blizzard at his coronation, this is retroactively a WORLD CHANGING TWIST.

    So, another of Henry’s ambitions was to unite all of the various factions who’d been battling against one another for decades. For instance, he had the body of Richard II dug up from its not-very-Kingly grave and re-interred as better suited a King (this also had the benefit of calming down some Richard II Truthers who were convinced that the past King had never actually died). Henry also restored lands and fortunes to noble families who had suffered under his father’s and cousin’s previous reigns, building trust back up among the noble families of England.

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    Hiddleston as Henry V in The Hollow Crown

    He also acted decisively when faced by internal threats, such as when he ordered the execution in 1417 of a man named Sir John Oldcastle who had been involved in a nascent rebellion. Of note: Oldcastle is the inspiration for Shakespeare’s character of Sir John Falstaff in the Henry plays, so just imagine those plays ending with Henry killing the comic relief, because that’s what happened in real life! In fact, Shakespeare had initially called that character Oldcastle but when the surviving Oldcastle family members complained, he changed it to Falstaff. But for this and other reasons, Henry’s reign was marked by far less internal conflict that his predecessors, which was great because he had bigger plans in mind and needed all of England working together. One way that he worked toward building a national English identity was by promoting the use of the English language, making it officially the language of record within government.

    With things basically settled at home, Henry set to work on foreign affairs. First up: war with the French! Why? Because it’s there, basically! But also because Henry’s great-grandfather Edward III had a dynastic claim to the throne of France, and Henry wanted to take it over. As it so happens, the French King at this time was Charles VI, known as Charles The Mad due to his mental illness which made him think he was made of glass. Monarchs with mental health issues historically have not fared well in Medieval Europe and Charles was no exception, as his inability to rule effectively led to lots of in-fighting among the nobles. Oh also, remember Henry’s old nemesis the Welsh rebel Owain Glyndŵr? Well, France had provided him support in his ongoing quest for Welsh independence, so that was yet another reason Henry wanted to attack the French. But don’t worry about Owen Tudor, he was now happy siding with the British at this point.

    Military Campaigns

    And so it was that on August 12, 1415, Henry sailed over to France with his forces. They captured the fortress at Harfleur on September 22, then marched across the French countryside to Calais for round two. On October 25, French soldiers intercepted them near the village of Agincourt and a very very very famous battle ensued! Despite the English troops being malnourished, exhausted, and outnumbered by the French, Henry was like, “Let’s gooooo!!!” and, in fact, the scrappy English forces 100% destroyed the French. This is still known as one of the greatest military victories in English history. Now, were the English better at fighting? Did Henry’s speech inspire his troops to superhuman skill levels? Or was it just so muddy that the French got bogged down and the English just stabbed them while they were stuck in the mud? Five thousand million military historians have written about this, and I’m sure you can find their takes on it if that interests you.

    tom hiddleston the hollow crown
    Hiddleston as Henry V in The Hollow Crown

    Henry continued to dominate with his exceptional combined skills at strategy and battle, and again, so many military historians have written about this and I’m not going to get into it all. Here’s a summary. But basically, Henry never took his eyes off of the prize which was taking over France. So, in 1417, he roared back into France where he a) conquered Normandy and then b) sieged Rouen, cutting it off from Paris. The women and children in Rouen all began starving, and so they tried to flee — assuming that Henry would let them go but he did not! And so the women and children all starved to death in ditches outside of Rouen. This is obviously gross and terrible by most standards, but by the standards of 15th-century warfare meant that Henry was doing great vis-a-vis reaching his goals as, in January 1419, Rouen fell and was claimed by the English. By that August, Henry’s forces had reached Paris.

    So, the King was still Charles “thinks he’s made of glass” VI, who continued to be unable to rule effectively at all. Things in France were just like 100% infighting 24/7 without a strong leader like England had in Henry. One of the most notable figures there was the King’s heir, the Dauphin (played in The King by Robert Pattinson), who was just like shifty eyes, scheming all over the damn place. When Henry arrived in town, the Dauphin and his friends were like, “Oh hey girl hey!! No hard feelings, right?” and, basically, agreed that Henry was the new heir to the French throne/regent while Charles VI was still incapable of ruling. Like, they just let him take over. 

    As per ever in this sort of situation, the deal was cemented by marrying Henry off to the Dauphin’s sister, Catherine of Valois. Fun fact: Catherine was the younger sister of Isabella of Valois, who had been married to Richard II. Also a fun fact: unlike many many many other dirtbag Kings of England, before and after him, Henry V held himself to a strict moral code and refused to have sex with anyone until he was married. Which is partly why he only fathered one child but #spoiler, we’ll get to that in the next paragraph. Oh and also please note that: Catherine of Valois becomes VERY IMPORTANT TO GLOBAL HISTORY in a bit.

    Henry and Catherine were married 1420, and their son, also called Henry (because that’s the only male name in existence apparently) was born the following year. Being married and having a baby didn’t change anything in Henry’s life really, as he continued leading armies into battle and just taking names and winning everything all the time. But the thing is, when his army went on battles without him, they didn’t always go super-well. Case in point, his brother Thomas had led a campaign in France that wound up in a horrible defeat that included Thomas himself getting killed. Henry was like, “Must I do everything myself? OK, clearly yes,” and so he sailed back over to England to fix his brother’s mess. And he did! But then he suddenly and unexpectedly died, possibly of heatstroke (???) from riding in full armour in very hot weather (????) which just feels so tragically preventable. He died on August 31, 1422, aged 35. His reign had lasted just nine years.

    Having died in France, Henry’s body was returned to England by his trusted comrade, John Sutton. Henry V was laid to rest in Westminster Abbey, as per his request.

    Legacy

    Before he died, Henry had named his brother John as the regent for the new king, his baby son Henry — who became King Henry VI at the age of nine months. Henry was never crowned King of France, as Charles “thinks he was made of glass” VI outlived him by two months, making baby Henry the first (and ultimately, only) crowned King of England and France. Baby Henry VI would grow up to be one of the most useless Kings in English history, as his admirable but contemporaneously inappropriate commitment to pacifism lost most of the land Henry V had gained for Britain. In fact, Henry VI was the final Lancaster King because… well:

    After Henry V died, 21-year-old gorgeous Catherine was a single mother of Baby King Henry VI and also, a widow. A few months after Henry V’s death, Catherine’s father Charles “thought he was made of glass” VI died, meaning her baby son was now the dual King of England and France. So she wasn’t in a specifically powerful role herself, but if she chose to marry again, that man would likely become extremely important as the King’s stepfather. And rumour had it that Catherine had set her sights on her dead husband’s cousin, Edmund Beaufort. But her baby King son’s advisors didn’t want her to marry him, so they passed a pretty insulting law that basically said “Dowager Queens can’t get married unless the King approves, but if the King is a little baby, then they can’t marry. Plus, whoever she marries, that man has to forfeit all of his land.” And Catherine, offended at the obvious ridiculousness of this entire situation said, quote, “I shall marry a man so basely, yet gently born, that my lord regents may not object.”

    melanie thierry hollow crown
    Mélanie Thierry as Catherine of Valois in The Hollow Crown

    Which is how and why she hooked up with her sexy young Welsh servant, OWEN TUDOR, that’s right, he’s back on the scene! Did he and Catherine get married? Unclear! But being married to the Dowager Queen suddenly increased the prestige of Owen’s whole family, and so their six children (yes, they had six children) were suddenly highly prestigious and notable rich people about town. Which is how and why when their son Edmund Tudor grew up, he was able to marry the highly eligible (and 12-year-old) Margaret Beaufort. It’s Edmund and Margaret’s son, Henry Tudor, who went on to usurp the throne from Richard III to become the first-ever Tudor monarch. As such, Catherine of Valois and her Welsh lover are the great-great-grandparents of both Mary I and Elizabeth I (as well as the great-great-great-grandparents of Mary Queen of Scots). By which I mean: Catherine and Owen’s lust literally changed the entire course of world history because without Henry VIII and Elizabeth I, England may not have emerged as a colonial world power, which means maybe the USA would never have happened, which means WTF would the world even be like right now??

    And then because this bit is too interesting not to share with you: legendary Welsh hero Owain Glyndŵr disappears from all historical record in 1412 (which was around the time Henry V was tending to his leprosy-ridden father). Did Owain die? Maybe. Or MAYBE NOT. Did he, instead, adopt the persona of former Franciscan monk and Welsh poet Jack of Kent aka Siôn Cent?? (This book suggests he did). Whatever his fate, Owain continues to be remembered as a Welsh national hero, and a version of his character pops up in Shakespeare’s Henry IV as “Owen Glendower.”

    But back to Henry V: his reign may have been brief, but his legend has loomed large primarily due to Shakespeare telling his life story in the plays Henry IV Parts 1 and 2, and Henry V. In these plays, the King appears initially as the fun-loving “Prince Hal,” and is shown to mature into an effective and serious King by the third play. Henry V itself has been made into several films including a 1944 film starring Laurence Olivier, a 1989 film starring Kenneth Branagh (with Emma Thompson as Catherine!). The full sequence has been filmed as part of the 2012 miniseries The Hollow Crown (with Tom Hiddleston as Henry and Mélanie Thierry as Catherine), as well as inspiring the 2019 Netflix film The King (with Timothée Chalamet as Henry and Lily-Rose Depp as Catherine).

  • Æthelflæd, Lady of the Mercians: The Anglo-Saxon Warrior Queen History Forgot

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    Prior to 927, the area now known as England comprised seven kingdoms called East Anglia, Essex, Kent, Mercia, Northumbria, Sussex, and Wessex. These had been founded around the 5th century and were largely populated by immigrants from the Germany/Holland area who we now call the Anglo-Saxons (to differentiate them from the Saxons, who were still back in Germany/Holland). These groups did not get along well with one another, with wars pretty consistently waged amongst themselves. Vikings from both Norway and Denmark took advantage of this in-fighting as, starting in the 8th century, they began to seize and take control of Anglo-Saxon land and property. If the Anglo-Saxons would set aside their differences and ally against their common enemies, maybe they could stop this but guess what: they were all too stubborn for that. By the 9th century, five of the seven kingdoms were almost entirely conquered by the Vikings. The only bit not mosty conquered was the kingdom of Wessex. And wouldn’t you know, that’s where this story begins, because that’s the birthplace of Æthelflæd, Lady of the Mercians.

    Let’s do it!

    Beginnings

    Æthelflæd, Lady of the Mercians was born in or around the year 870. Like most of the people in this story, she has a truly wonderful Saxon name: “Æthel” means “noble” and “flæd” means beauty so her name meant “noble beauty”. Her mother, Ealhswith, was a member of the Mercian royal family and her father, Alfred the Great, was King of Wessex. Æthelflæd was the eldest of five children, with one of her younger brothers being Edward (later to become King Edward the Elder).

    Millie Brady The Last Kingdom with family
    Millie Brady as Æthelflæd on The Last Kingdom, with David Dawson as Albert the Great, Eliza Butterworth as Ealhswith, and Timothy Innes as Edward.

    Æthelflæd’s family were Christians, which is notable for a bunch of reasons but at the moment mainly because it means that they would have celebrated Christmas every year. During the Christmas celebrations of of 878, when Æthelflæd was about eight years old, the royal family was attacked by Vikings! Æthelflæd and her family had to flee for their lives in December in the ninth century in England which was obviously very unpleasant between the marshlands, the cold weather, and the terror of being caught by the Vikings. However, Alfred was a skilled negotiator and later on managed to broker a peace deal with the Vikings such that Wessex was split with Albert permitted to control the western part, with the eastern part absorbed into the Danish Viking lands known as the Danelaw.

    The Romans had only been out of this area for a few hundred years and lots of their old fortifications were still around, many of which surrounded towns that the Saxons were still living in. Alfred saw to it that many of these walls and structures were fixed up and new similar ones were built to better protect themselves from the Vikings. These fortified towns were known as burhs (a word that developed into the contemporary word boroughs), and in total, he completed about thirty-three of them. Another important bit of background info is that Alfred really valued education, and set up a national program to encourage schooling for all of the children of Wessex, including his children, and including his daughters. So, although women weren’t permitted to have much power in their own right, Æthelflæd was given the same educational opportunities as her brothers and became very well-read.

    But as this was the sort of time and place where noble-born boys inherited titles and jobs while noble-born girls were expected to either become nuns or to marry into useful alliances, in 886 a marriage was arranged for the sixteen-year-old Æthelflæd. Her husband was to be a man with a name so similar to her own that surely it must have to some confusion and/or hilarity on numerous occasions. This man was called Æthelred, Lord of the Mercians. For the sake of clarity, we’ll refer to him just as Red. On the Netflix/BBC2 series The Last Kingdom, Red’s character is shown as around the same age as his bride. This is a great choice for TV viewers who like to watch handsome young actors and prefer not to see very old men marrying teenage girls, but the real-life Red was likely much older than his wife. No matter his age, we do know he was Lord of the Mercians, so let’s take a look at what that means.

    aethelred and aethelflaed
    Millie Brady as Æthelflæd on The Last Kingdom, with Toby Regbo as her husband Æthelred, who was almost definitely not this young or good-looking

    The kingdom of Mercia was located in what we’d now consider the middle of England, and it had been one of the more powerful kingdoms until the early 9th century when Alfred’s predecessors as Kings of Wessex had mostly conquered the territory. Remember how Æthelflæd’s mother was a Mercian noblewoman? Her marriage to Alfred had been partly to cement an alliance between Wessex and Mercia against the Vikings. So by this point in the story, Alfred the Great was King of Wessex and Mercia, leaving the day to day rule of Mercia to a Lord. The people of Mercia were very independent-minded and didn’t love that they had been subsumed by Wessex. Through this marriage, Æthelflæd fulfilled the Anglo-Saxon role of a “peace-weaver,” meaning someone whose marriage literally weaves together two groups who had been enemies, making them all in-laws so they hopefully would stop attacking each other. After all, they had an enemy in common: the Vikings!

    In 886, the same year that Æthelflæd was betrothed to Red, the combined forces of Alfred and Red were able to re-claim London from the Vikings and make it part of Mercia again. Upon the royal marriage, Alfred appointed Red in charge of London – partly, again, to appease the Mercians but also maybe as part of Æthelflæd’s dowry, like a bonus prize Red would get for marrying her. Whatever the motivation, this all meant that sixteen-year-old Æthelflæd moved to London and, upon her marriage to Red, gained the title she’s best known for, Lady of the Mercians.

    As it turns out, becoming consort to the Lord of the Mercians was an incredible stroke of good luck for Æthelflæd. Back in her homeland of Wessex, women weren’t given much political power (e.g. her mother, Ealhswith, wasn’t given the title of Queen even though she was married to the King). Mercia, in contrast, had a tradition of granting female consorts power in their own right. Between Æthelflæd’s Mercian heritage, her role as Lady of the Mercians, and local custom, she was able to have much more power and control than she could have ever wielded back in Wessex. So what if she had to marry an extremely old man who was also constantly ill? Our girl made the most of this new situation.

    Æthelflæd may have been just sixteen, but she was better educated than many of the people around her. She had lived through Viking sieges and learned from her father how to be a strong and successful military leader. So, rather than being just Red’s consort, it appears she sort of co-ruled alongside him in a partnership similar to that of the 16th-century Catholic Monarchs Isabella of Castile and Ferdinand of Aragon. Æthelflæd also maintained a positive relationship with her father (the King, and her boss) and seems to have been popular enough among the people of Mercia that they accepted their new status as Alfred’s subjects without threatening to rebel. She and Red had one child together, a daughter named (this is a great name, get ready) Ælfwynn — a name meaning “friend of the elves”. There’s a rumor that, following this birth, Æthelflæd declared that she would never have sex with Red again because the result of intercourse was childbirth, and she didn’t want to go through that again. Given that one crucial role of consorts was to have as many babies as possible, if this truly happened then it’s an early clue as to her strength of character. But also, spoiler, Red was ill for many years and the lack of any more children likely had to do with his health, rather than Æthelflæd’s family planning.

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    Millie Brady as Æthelflæd on The Last Kingdom, with Toby Regbo as Æthelred; they really hate each other on this show

    When Alfred the Great died in 899, Æthelflæd’s younger brother Edward took over the rule of King of Wessex/sort of King of the Anglo-Saxons, who weren’t exactly united yet, but were on their way. Æthelflæd worked even better with him than she had alongside her father, and together they continued to chase their goal of a single united English kingdom. Her role of peace-weaver appears to have worked out exactly as intended, bringing more power to the united kingdoms against the Viking threat.

    Warrior Queen Lady

    In 902, a group of Norse Vikings refugees came to see Æthelflæd with a wild request: as they’d just been kicked out of Dublin and had nowhere to go, could the Lady of the Mercians give them some land to live off of, please and thank you? Bold move, Vikings. This is also interesting because: why did they seek an audience with Æthelflæd rather than with her husband? Answer: because Red was known to have been quite ill for at least the past two years, leaving Æthelflæd single-handedly in charge of Mercia. Nobody seems to have had s problem with this arrangement and, frankly, why should they? Female leaders were acceptable in Mercia and Æthelflæd was super smart, tactically brilliant, and more than qualified for the gig.

    Anyway, back to the Viking refugees and their request for land. Æthelflæd agreed to let them stay on some land just outside of the fortified town of Chester. Her reasoning may have been to curry favour with these Norse Vikings so they’d team up with her against the Danish. Viking. But once the refugees saw their new home, they decided Chester itself seemed more appealing than their barren farmland, and decided to try and take over the town. Æthelflæd, who was not an idiot, had been keeping tabs on her new tenants and found out about this plan with enough time to prepare. And prepare… she did.

    Æthelflæd had some of her troops wait on top of the town’s fortifications to keep an eye out for the Vikings. When they approached, the Mercians used their height advantage by throwing stuff over the top of the wall at the invaders — things like, allegedly, boiling hot ale they had prepared to strip the skin off of their enemies. But! Once the Vikings realized what was happening, they held animal skins over their heads to shield themselves from being scalded. So then! The Anglo-Saxons threw all the town’s beehives down at them, FILLED WITH BEES, and the Vikings were stung so much that they were forced to retreat and/or die.

    BEES.

    BEES, AND BOILING ALE.

    ATTACK BEES!!!!

    Whether or not these specifics are true, and the attack bees stuff only appears in one chronicle so can’t be verified, the fact that someone wrote this stuff down speaks to what a reputation Æthelflæd developed for being both skilled at battle and also super creative with strategies her enemies could never prepare for. In the following years, Chester went on to become a particularly prosperous city — likely due in part to Æthelflæd’s town planning.

    In 909, the powerhouse brother-sister warrior team of Æthelflæd and Edward the Elder sent combined Wessex/Mercian forces up to Northumbria to try and retake land from the Danelaw. The campaign lasted for five weeks and ended with Æthelflæd and Edward victoriously re-claiming the relics of St. Oswald of Northumbria*.

    *A note on Saintly relics: so basically, these are bits of the decomposing bodies of people who had been saints. St. Oswald was a former Northumbrian King who had been killed by — ironically? — Mercian pagans years ago. For a monarch to be in possession of Saintly relics at this time and place meant that their reign was #blessed because the relics were understood to possess supernatural capabilities. In fact, this was one of several sets of relics that Æthelflæd shuffled around her kingdom, ensuring they were near her and so that everyone knew how #blessed she was. The relics of St. Oswald were taken to an abbey in Gloucester, which was re-named St. Oswald’s Priory in his honour and maybe as a sort of apology for how Mercians has been the ones to kill him in the first place.

    The Danish Vikings were obviously super pissed about the Northumbria attack/relic-snatching, so in 910 a bunch of them climbed onto a boat and came sailing down the River Severn for some revenge-pillaging in Mercia. They thought they’d be safe to do so, as Edward was off elsewhere attacking some other groups of Vikings. But! Edward found out about the plan and dispatched his troops to intercept the Vikings on their way back North. He was also able to connect with Æthelflæd, who provided Mercian back-up. All of this meant that the Vikings’ trip back home was unexpectedly interrupted by a joint Mercian/Wessex army, and the ensuing battle became known as the Battle of Tettenhall.

    With Edward away and Red sick back in London, it is entirely likely that Æthelflæd led the troops in this battle — even if she was not the leader, she almost certainly would have been present as her symbolic presence would be a rallying point for both the Wessex and Mercian forces. The Anglo-Saxons soundly defeated the Danish Vikings, inflicting thousands of casualties including those of the three main Northumbrian Viking leaders. This victory ended the threat of Danish Vikings in the North, and meant that Æthelflæd and Edward were now able to turn their attention to continuing to pursue their father’s dream: to drive out the rest of the Vikings and reclaim all of the seven kingdoms as a single country.

    Shortly after this battle, in 911, Red died, and things become so much more interesting.

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    Millie Brady as Æthelflæd in The Last Kingdom, looking and being amazing

    Usually when a male ruler died in this time and place, his wife would retire to a nunnery and a new man would come in and take over ruling. But that’s not what happened here. What happened was: Edward appointed Æthelflæd the official the leader of Mercia, Lady of the Mercians in her own right. This was a singular event in Anglo-Saxon history as the only time a woman had ever taken sole control of a kingdom and speaks to how much trust and faith Edward had in his super-powerful genius big sister. Æthelflæd was also incredibly popular among the people of Mercia. Removing her from her position may anger them, and it was crucial for Edward to retain the support of the Mercians.

    No coins seem to have been minted that had the names of either Æthelflæd or her husband on them during their joint reign, but in the years following Red’s death, silver pennies were minted in western Mercia featuring a unique design different from that of Wessex currency. Presumably, these were Æthelflæd’s brainchild as a way to cement in her subjects’ mind the separation of Mercia from Wessex (even though they were both part of the same bigger kingdom).

    With Red now out of her way, Æthelflæd became even more powerful and fearsome. Where her father had struggled for much of his reign with the in-fighting between Anglo-Saxon kingdoms, the united front of Æthelflæd and Edward allowed them to strategize effectively and to coordinate their attacks. Both siblings began to oversee the repair and/or construction of more buhrs, not just defensive ones for protection as their father had done but also new ones right on the front-lines to support their aggressive raids into Viking territory. The combination of the siblings’ shared high level of education, experience in battle, and willingness to innovate flipped the balance of power firmly in their own direction.

    Her reputation for skilled military campaigning, charismatic leadership and savvy peacemaking preceded her… unfortunately, not as far as the Welsh kingdom of Brycheiniog. In 916, King Hwgan of Brycheiniog heard Edward was out of town and decided to attack Mercia. As a part of this raid, he killed oversaw the murder of one of Æthelflæd’s abbots. Clearly, they hadn’t yet learned that killing Æthelflæd’s abbot was akin to killing John Wick’s dog, because just three days later the Lady of the Mercians showed up in Brycheiniog with revenge on her mind. The Brycheiniog forces obviously surrendered to the terrifying power of #TeamÆthelflæd, and then the Mercians seized the royal fort and burned it down. They took thirty-four captives back with them to Mercia, including the Brycheiniog Queen, because ironically Hwgan himself was out of town at the moment and unavailable to be captured himself. Guess what: don’t kill Æthelflæd’s abbot.

    In 917, Æthelflæd and Edward launched simultaneous campaigns in a bold attempt to reclaim more land from the Vikings. It was as a part of this series of attacks that Æthelflæd led her first offensive campaign, which became her biggest success, the Battle of Derby. She attacked the fortified town of Derby when many of its Danish Viking occupants were away waging battle elsewhere. But guess who was around to fight her? King Hwgan — now minus his Queen, his fortress, and thirty-three of his friends — apparently fought alongside the Danes against Æthelflæd. Four of her most trusted nobles were killed, ostensibly by Hwgan’s revenge-fuelled sword. However, when he realized that that Æthelflæd’s side was going to win, he took his own life rather than losing in battle to a woman. Ugh, men. This victory was a massive success for the Saxons, allowing them to annex the entire region back from eastern Danelaw to Mercia.

    Æthelflæd’s diplomatic skills were also clearly top-notch as she is credited with negotiating an alliance of mutual protection against the Norse Vikings with the Constantine II of Alba (part of modern-day Scotland) and Owain ap Dyfnwal of Cumbria (part of modern-day Wales). This is likely why in 918, Æthelflæd provided much-needed support to Constantine II against Norse Vikings in the Battle of Corbridge. During this battle, the Vikings were forced deep within the woods at which point Æthelflæd is said to have commanded her troops to cut down the trees with their swords so they could kill all of the Vikings. Which they then did.

    Between the bees, the deforestation, and her tally of huge victories, Æthelflæd’s fame and reputation spread so widely that when she pulled up with her troops in Leicester in 918, the Vikings pre-emptively surrendered rather than even attempt to fight against her. This same year, the Danish Vikings occupying the prosperous trading centre of York offered her a pledge of loyalty rather than facing off against her and her troops in battle. This offer basically meant that Æthelflæd could peacefully capture the entire Northern part of England. Very notable about both of these offers is that they were made to Æthelflæd herself, not to her brother Edward (who was the literal King).

    Sadly, Æthelflæd passed away on June 12, 918, aged forty-eight potentially of a stroke.

    Legacy

    Following her death, Æthelflæd’s body was transported in a procession to Gloucester, where she was buried in St. Oswald’s Priory near her hard-won relics, next to Red. In the only mother-to-daughter succession in English history, her daughter Ælfwynn succeeded her as Lady of the Mercians*. This was also the first of only two woman-to-woman successions, the second of which was when Elizabeth I succeeded her sister Mary I in 1533.

    *But this cool moment was short-lived. Ælfwynn took over duties for her mother after her death in June, but just six months later, her Uncle Edward the Elder blew into town, claimed Mercia as part of his new Anglo-Saxon kingdom, and basically kidnapped Ælfwynn back to Wessex where she probably spent the rest of her life in a nunnery.

    Æthelflæd’s influence continued on after her death in the actions of her nephew, Æthelstan. Æthelstan, Edward’s son, had been sent as a young boy to grow up in Mercian royal court under his aunt’s influence – probably part of Edward’s long-term plan to ensure the people of Mercia continued to support this royal family as their rulers. Æthelstan succeeded his father as King of the Anglo-Saxons in 924; in 927, he became the first King of a united England. He is remembered as one of England’s most effective monarchs, known for his effective and clever military leadership, keen intelligence, ability to unify people, and skills as a negotiator — all strengths exhibited by his guardian, Æthelflæd, and which he may have learned from her example.

    In the 14th century, an Irish chronicle lists her as Eithilfleith, famosissima regina Saxonum (Æthelflæd, most famous Queen of the Saxons), recording the date of her death in 918 as a notable historical event. Hers is the only Anglo-Saxon ruler whose death was mentioned in this source, highlighting how famous and important her reign continues to be understood even centuries after her death. Yet, her name and story have gone largely unsung until recently.

    In summer 2018, celebrations were held to commemorate the 1,100th anniversary of Æthelflæd’s death in both Tamworth (where she is said to have died) as well as in Gloucester (where she is said to have been buried.)

    Further Info

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    The Netflix/BBC2 series The Last Kingdom is set in the 9th century, and its sprawling cast includes Millie Brady as Æthelflæd (who is appropriately badass, as evidenced by the gif above where she is saving the day by leading Mercian troops into battle). This series is based on Bernard Cornwall’s Saxon Tales book series, which also include Æthelflæd among its cast of characters. The first book in the series is called The Last Kingdom.

    After a long time without much by the way of Æthelflæd biographies, four have come out in the past year. They are: Æthelflæd: Lady of the Mercians by Tim Clarkson, The Warrior Queen: The Life and Legend of Aethelflaed, Daughter of Alfred the Great by Joanna Arman, Founder, Fighter, Saxon Queen: Aethelflaed, Lady of the Mercians by Margaret C. Jones, and for children/all ages and which has indisputably the cutest cover of all, Æthelflæd: A Ladybird Expert Book: England’s Forgotten Founder by Tom Holland.

    I also found lots of useful info in this article written by Greig Watson for the BBC: Aethelflaed: The warrior queen who broke the glass ceiling.

    I first learned about Æthelflæd in an episode of the excellent podcast Rex Factor. The show’s hosts have made Anglo-Saxon history come alive for me in a way nothing ever has before, not entirely because now I know how to pronounce all these names that start with “Æ” but not not for that reason. This season, the podcast hosts are going through each of the consorts in English and British history; in past series they’ve looked at each of the monarchs in English and Scottish history.

  • Margaret Pole, Countess of Salisbury: From Traitor’s Daughter to Traitor’s Mother to Beheaded Martyr

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    Before we get into Margaret Pole (who you may have come across as Maggie Pole, played by Laura Carmichael on The Spanish Princess), let’s dive into some ROYAL FAMILY TREE TIME because guess what: this is all very confusing.

    Once upon a Late English Medieval wartime, time there were three Plantagenet brothers. The eldest, Edward, was handsome and talented and clever, and he usurped the English throne to become King Edward IV, husband of Elizabeth Woodville. The middle brother, George, supported Edward’s campaign to become King… then changed his mind and switched sides. Eventually, Edward had George executed as a traitor. When Edward unexpectedly and suddenly died young, the youngest brother — Richard — became King Richard III, who you may know from maybe murdering the princes in the tower.

    Out of this clusterfuck of brotherly scheming emerges our lovely Margaret, the oldest surviving child of the traitorous middle son, George. Margaret was biologically related to basically everyone fighting over the English throne. In addition to her royal uncles, she was the daughter of Isabel Neville and therefore the niece of Richard III’s wife Anne Neville. She was also, through marriage, connected to both Margaret Beaufort and the entire Beaufort family. These connections brought her both security of wealth as well as put her in danger due to her proximity to all the various schemes going constantly on around her. It feels like a huge time between the Wars of the Roses era and Queen Elizabeth I’s era, but Margaret Pole lived through it all, a human personification of the way that fortunes can ebb and flow depending on who’s in power. She was a force upon herself, but so much of what went on in her life was just blowback from the bonkers schemes literally everyone around her was constantly getting up to. That being said, she repeatedly got herself out of incredibly dire situations so was more than up for the challenge of surviving and thriving in this chaotic environment.

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    Laura Carmichael as Margaret “Maggie” Pole on The Spanish Princess

    To begin her life with tragedy and scheming, Margaret’s mother Isabel died as a result of giving birth to one of Margaret’s younger siblings. George, already paranoid and prone to suspicion, decided that actually Isabel had been poisoned to death by her servants. And so, he marched an amazingly-named Welsh (?) servant named Ankarette Twynyho into court to put her and another random servant on trial for poisoning Isabel to death. They were both found guilty and were executed immediately; shortly afterward, George’s brother King Edward IV had both servants posthumously pardoned. This just made George even madder at his brother Edward, which resulted in a lot of scheming and finally with Edward having George executed as a traitor. By this point, Margaret was three years old and was sent (along with her brother, also named Edward) to be raised by their Uncle Richard and Auntie Anne.

    Now, Margaret was likely too young to understand what the fallout of George’s treason but it becomes very important, so I’ll do my best to spell it out. Basically, all of George’s land and property were seized from him and returned to the King, because traitors don’t get to be in charge of land or to keep their own money. But the thing is, Margaret’s maternal grandfather — who did not die a traitor — had left behind inheritance, too. And this Neville money was divided up between Margaret’s dead mother, Isabel, and Margaret’s Auntie Anne. Because Anne hadn’t had any children yet, the current heir to this Neville inheritance was, at this time, Margaret’s younger brother Edward, because: primogeniture! So, though Margaret and her brother didn’t have any of their father’s money to inherit, her brother Edward was still the heir to their Neville grandfather’s fortune. 

    This whole inheritance scenario remained unchallenged because, five years later, her uncle Edward died in battle and her Uncle Richard took over the throne as Richard III. Shortly after that, Anne Neville died in childbirth, leaving behind no children. Margaret and her brother Edward, now sort-of heirs to the throne (but not really, because of George’s treason; but enough that Richard was a little skittish about keeping them around) were shipped off to a separate household. When Richard III died in battle, a  new King claimed the throne: a certain Henry “daughter of Margaret Beaufort” Tudor, aka King Henry VII. But our Margaret was still related to the royals, as Henry VII married her cousin, Elizabeth of York. This new royal couple became the new guardians to Margaret and her brother, so they moved back to the royal court. And pretty soon after that, Henry arranged a marriage for his fourteen-year-old niece: his thirty-year-old cousin, Sir Richard Pole. This marriage, between Margaret (a York) and Pole (a Lancaster), helped cement the merger between these two royal houses that began with Henry VII’s marriage to Elizabeth.

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    Laura Carmichael as Margaret Pole, with Alan McKenna as Richard Pole, on The Spanish Princess

    As far as anyone knows, the marriage between Margaret and Richard was as good as any arranged marriage was, back in the day. Certainly, they had good luck vis-a-vis children not dying in their infancy. Between 1492 and 1504, they have five surviving children: Henry (born 1492), Arthur (born 1499), Reginald (born 1500), Geoffrey (born 1501), and Ursula (born 1504). But of course it wasn’t all sitting around and glamorously giving late-Medieval/early-Renaissance childbirth, Margaret was also in the midst of an awful lot of courtly scheming throughout this whole time period. For instance: midway through this series of babies, a man known as Perkin Warbeck (great name) showed up on the scene, claiming to be one of the long-lost grown-up princes in the tower in a kind of proto-Anastasia Romanov scenario.

    Perkin Warbeck was almost definitely not Margaret’s long-lost cousin/heir to the throne, but his presence was convenient for anyone who wanted to get Henry kicked off of the throne. And guess who one of his supporters was? Margaret’s brother, Edward! So the thing is, the King was like, “Pretending to be a long-lost Prince is not technically illegal, but let’s keep an eye on this guy, OK?” And things were weirdly fine until evidence arrived showing that Perkin had been scheming with Margaret’s brother Edward to overthrow King Henry VII. And so both Edward and Perkin were set up in the Tower of London, then both were executed for their not-very-skillful scheming. The death of Edward meant that Margaret was now the last remaining Plantagenet — and more importantly, that Edward’s inheritance (from his maternal grandfather, remember?) was now returned to the crown. Margaret was now without any inheritance at all.

    Luckily, her brother’s scheming didn’t affect Margaret to any great degree, as both she and her husband went to to be awarded prestigious positions within the royal household. Margaret was named lady in waiting to Katherine of Aragon, newly arrived to marry Henry VII’s son Prince Arthur; Richard was named Arthur’s Chief Gentleman of the Privy Chamber. Then, of course, things took a turn when Arthur passed away unexpectedly in 1502. Katherine and Arthur’s entourage was dissolved, sending Margaret away from the royal court. But remember, she was still only midway through giving birth to her five children. 1504 found her welcoming her fifth and final child, Ursula, as well as seeing the death of her husband, Richard. Margaret, a titled noblewoman, was effectively now a penniless widow and mother of five. With nowhere else to turn, she went with her children to live in an abbey among nuns. She further cut costs by shipping her son Reginald off to be trained for the priesthood (remember that, he becomes very important later on).

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    Carmichael on the set of The Spanish Princess with Arthur Bateman as Reginald “Reggie” Pole

    But then, in a way that I wonder if she wound up half-expecting, her fortunes turned yet again in 1509. While Henry VII hadn’t been a huge fan of Margaret, his successors were. When Henry VIII took the throne in 1509, and along with it, marrying his brother’s widow Katherine of Aragon, they were happy to invite Margaret back to court in the position of lady-in-waiting once more. Three years later, Henry VIII further elevated Margaret’s status by restoring her former title of Countess of Salisbury, along with some of her last brother’s seized lands. Her own favor at court waxed and waned, partly due to her own actions and partly due to those of her children. In 1516, she fought with Henry VIII over some lands she felt should go to her due to her connection to the Beaufort family; Henry disagreed, retaining them for himself. Yet, he clearly favored her when she was selected in 1520 to act as Governess to his daughter Princess Mary.

    Around that same time, her son Arthur was appointed to be one of the gentlemen of the King’s Privy Chamber. However, Arthur’s patron — Edward Stafford, Duke of Buckingham — was found guilty of treason and was gruesomely executed. Buckingham’s actions tainted the reputation of both Arthur, as well as of Margaret’s daughter Ursula, who was married to one of Stafford’s sons. Margaret herself was removed from the position of Governess due to her connection to the scandal. Yet, as regular as clockwork, Margaret managed to regain her previous standing and was re-appointed to the role of Princess Mary’s Governess in 1525. Yet, when Henry VIII annulled his marriage to Mary’s mother, Katherine, the girl was demoted from Princess to Lady and had all of her household staff removed. Margaret, fiercely loyal to the young woman, offered to stay on as Governess — even offering to pay her own salary. Henry refused her proposal, and Margaret was again sent from the royal court.

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    Carmichael as Margaret Pole on The Spanish Princess

    Frankly, that was probably calmer for her anyway, as things at court were going bonkers with the whole Anne Boleyn-being-tried-and-executed-for-totally-fake-charges-of-adultery scenario. In fact, Margaret’s eldest son Henry Pole was one of the jurors who found Anne Boleyn guilty. After Anne Boleyn’s beheading in 1536, Margaret was invited back to royal court… but her son Reginald (remember, I said he’d be important later on!!) would soon complicate things yet again.

    So a person we haven’t yet discussed is Eustace Chapuys, the Spanish Ambassador. He was hanging around Tudor court for years, reporting back to the Katherine of Aragon’s parents how their daughter and granddaughter were being treated. Much of what we know about life in Tudor court is from Chapuys’s records, which are obviously biased, but also very thorough and contain lots of exciting gossipy bits. So Chapuys, a supporter of Lady Mary to be returned to the status of Princess, seems to have been encouraging Margaret’s son Reginald to marry her. Because of Margaret’s Plantagenet background, her children were — to some — seen as potential heirs to the throne. A marriage between Reginald Pole and Lady Mary would, perhaps, present a powerful Catholic alternative to Henry VIII and his latest Protestant Queen. Now, since Chapuys was in England and Reginald was off on the continent, they communicated by letters — many of which went through Reginald’s brother Geoffrey Pole as an intermediary. But Reginald was not content just to scheme a way to marry Lady Mary; he was also running around Europe, doing his best to convince other Princes that Henry VIII should be deposed for how he had broken with the Catholic church. The other princes were mostly like, “I mean… go ahead if you want to, but we’re not touching this with a zillion-foot pole.”

    In 1537, Reginald attained the role of Cardinal, and the Pope assigned him a very important job: to help coordinate a series of English marches and protests meant to force Henry VIII to replace his Protestant government with a Catholic one. Part of this was the infamous Pilgrimage of Grace, which quite terrible failed, and which wound up with more than 200 Catholics executed for being involved in it. So basically, Reginald was all up in every plan to dethrone Henry VIII, and it was all being communicated in letters through his brother Geoffrey. The King’s right-hand goon Thomas Cromwell knew what he was up to, and in fact, sent assassins to Italy to kill Reginald; no luck. With Reginald hanging out on the continent and therefore impossible for Henry to arrest, the King turned his vengeance against the Pole family members still in England. Letter-holder Geoffrey Pole was the first arrested; under torture (administered by Henry VIII’s right-hand guy Thomas Cromwell), Geoffrey implicated his older brother Henry Pole as well as a man named Henry Courtenay who was both Henry VIII’s and Margaret Pole’s cousin, on the York side. In response, Henry VIII had basically every Pole family member arrested he could find, including Margaret herself.

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    Carmichael as Margaret Pole on The Spanish Princess

    Following the investigation and torture, only Geoffrey was pardoned. Everyone else, including Margaret, were found guilty of high treason and sentenced to be executed. Just as had happened to her father, Margaret’s property was seized by the crown, leaving her again without any assets to her name. She remained a prisoner in the Tower of London for two and a half years, kept in a room together with her grandson (Henry Pole’s son, also named Henry), as well as the young son of Henry Courtenay — a sort of return to her previous job as Governess, but in the saddest possible way. As per many of the royals and aristocrats held in the Tower as prisoners, Margaret kept living a fairly luxurious life with her own servants and an allowance for new clothing. During her time imprisoned, Cromwell himself was arrested and executed; she may have hoped that fortune was, yet again, turning once more in her favor.

    But despite Cromwell’s fall from grace, Margaret’s execution date was set. She was beheaded, aged 67, on May 27, 1541. Due to her noble birth, this was not to be held publicly, but rather before a group of about 150 notable witnesses. This group included Chapuys, from whom we learn details such as that Margaret continued to deny any involvement in treasonous activities. It is also his account that notes that, with the regular executioner unavailable, her execution was performed by a less-skilled man “who literally hacked her head and shoulders to pieces in the most pitiful manner.”

    Following her execution, Margaret Pole was buried within the Tower of London in the Chapel of St. Peter ad Vincula. Her eldest son Henry Pole was executed at the same time, as was her cousin Henry Courtenay; all other family members were eventually released from the Tower of London. Her son Reginald became the most notable of all as, when Henry VIII’s Catholic daughter took the throne as Queen Mary I, Reginald was appointed to the prestigious position of Archbishop of Canterbury. He was the last Catholic to hold that post.

    On December 29, 1886, Margaret Pole was beatified by Pope Leo XIII as a Catholic martyr.

    Further Reading

    Philippa Gregory’s novel The King’s Curse shares the story of Margaret Pole as well as that of her children. Another novel exploring her story is Margaret Pole: The Countess in the Tower by Susan Higginbotham. In terms of non-fiction, I recommend the biography Margaret Pole, Countess of Salisbury 1473-1541: Loyalty, Lineage and Leadership by Hazel Pierce. And of course Laura Carmichael is doing a fantastic job bringing Margaret “Maggie” Pole to life on the STARZ series The Spanish Princess!

  • Juana of Castile: The Real Story Of Spain’s Mad Queen

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    Note: Juana’s name is often Anglicized to Joanna or to Joan. I’m using the Spanish spelling. So, bear in mind that when you encounter mentions elsewhere of Joanna of Castile (e.g. on The Spanish Princess), it’s the same person.

    Just to orient us all as to the time and place we’re looking at by way of other women written about on this site: Juana of Castile was the granddaughter of Isabel of Portugal, the daughter of Isabella I, older sister to Katherine of Aragon, and the aunt of Mary I. Isn’t it interesting that each of these women is, to varying extents, remembered for being both very passionate and stubborn, as well as for being allegedly insane. They were also all women with a larger amount of power than usual for the era, who were seen as threats and/or pawns by the ambitious men who surrounded them. Coincidence? I’ll show you the evidence and you can decide for yourselves. About Juana, though, note that the events of her life are such that her behavior is often quite reasonable considering the bonkers things that kept happening to her. Let’s dive in!

    Juana was both on November 6, 1479, the third child and second daughter of the legendary Catholic monarchs Isabella I and Ferdinand. Like her mother, Juana (despite most artistic and film representations of her) had pale skin, blue eyes, and strawberry blond hair. Juana was a moody child, who liked to spend time alone, especially reading books. Her mother felt that education was important for girls, and provides much more extensive schooling for Juana and her sisters Isabella, Katherine, and Maria than other young women at that time. Juana had one brother, Juan, who was being groomed to take over the throne of Spain because boys always inherited things instead of girls. With Juan covering the role of heir to the throne, Juana and her sisters grew up knowing that they would be married off to princes or Kings of other kingdoms in order to strengthen alliances.

    Point of clarity: Queen Isabella ruled Castile and León, and King Ferdinand ruled Aragon; they never amalgamated the countries, it’s just that they all happened to be ruled by a married couple. So whichever of them died first, their eldest child would inherit that kingdom but not the other if you see what I mean? Even if you don’t, what you need to know is that Juan was the heir to both kingdoms, and then his children; if for some reason they all died, then Isabella and Ferdinand’s oldest daughter Isabella would inherit, and then her children. Juana, their third child, was never expected to inherit anything. But sometimes life takes you by surprise!! #spoiler

    ALBA GALOCHA VALLEJO as Juana in The Spanish Princess
    Alba Galocha as Joanna of Castile on The Spanish Princess

    Juana was an excellent student and became fluent in numerous languages including French, Latin, Castilian, and Catalan. She was also recorded as having been a skilled musician, as well as extremely knowledgeable about history, politics, and the arts, and was skilled at hunting and riding. Contemporary accounts report that Juana was more moody and solitary than her sisters. She was also not known to be as extremely pious as her mother, or her older sister Isabella. She and her sisters were, however, exemplary models of the type of femininity that their mother advocated for: the girls were extremely well-read, talented in just about every conceivable capacity, devoted to their faith, and also expected to be subservient to the men in their lives. That Isabella herself was a one-woman powerhouse who bulldozed her way through life meant, however, that the girls were seeing from her example the way that women could potentially wield power on their own terms. From what is left of Juana’s writings, there are hints that she was witty and also that she may not have taken religion as seriously as the rest of her family — though, few could compare to the performative and violent piety of Queen Isabella (see: the Spanish Inquisition, the Reconquista). Some reports suggest that Isabella may have tortured Juana for her childhood rebelliousness, but these have not been verified.

    By 1496, Juana was seventeen years old, and her family arranged her betrothal to eighteen-year-old Philip of Flanders. Philip was known as Philip The Handsome, but if you look at his pictures, I find that name… debatable. Technically, I think the soubriquet can also be translated as Philip the Fair, which makes sense given his light complexion and eyes. Either way, Philip’s pedigree was just what Juana’s parents wanted for her: his father was Maximilian I, the Holy Roman Emperor, from the Habsburg line. This was a connection between two wildly powerful families, both of whom currently hated the French. Juana and Philip’s engagement cemented this alliance, and Philip wasn’t fifty years older than her so already this seems not SO bad, right? 

    ALBA GALOCHA VALLEJO AND PHILIP ANDREW AS JUANA AND PHILIP THE FAIR IN THE SPANISH PRINCESS
    Alba Galocha Vallejo as Joanna of Castile, with Philip Andrew as Philip The Handsome

    Juana left Castile in August 1496 to get to Philip’s home base of Flanders. Their wedding ceremony was held on October 20th, 1496. In fact, the pair were so physically attracted to one another upon their first meeting that Philip insisted they get married right away so they could make sweet passionate love as soon as possible.

    From the beginning, their relationship was notoriously passionate. Juana was completely and entirely in love with Philip. But Philip, because every man in all of these stories is The Worst, was a philanderer and cheated on Juana more or less all the damn time. Part of the “evidence” of Juana’s “madness” is the way that she would go into fits of rage, screaming at Philip. Is this madness? Or is this reasonable behavior of a very smart, very accomplished, very beautiful and very sensitive/passionate woman whose husband is treating her like garbage? Particularly if the woman in question was perpetually pregnant (she gave birth to six children over ten years) and who had gone through A LOT OF DEATH IN A VERY SHORT PERIOD OF TIME.

    For real though. Between 1497 and 1500, Juana’s older brother Juan died, and then his widow suffered a stillbirth, and then her older sister Isabella died in childbirth, and then Isabella’s toddler-aged son died. So on top of the familial loss, the loss of her older siblings and their children meant that Juana was now the eldest child of the Catholic monarchs and, as such, was suddenly heir to the thrones of Castile, León, and Aragon. Nobody had expected this, least of all her. In 1502, Juana and Philip traveled back to Toledo for her to be recognized as Princess of Asturias, the title given to the heir to the throne of Castile.

    Later that same year, she went through something that sounds like a nervous breakdown. And how did Philip support his frequently-pregnant wife through her mental health issues? Oh, just by abandoning her whenever she got upset. Like, he’d just up and leave and have an affair with someone else anytime Juana’s behavior got to be “too much” for him. And as a bonus on the Philip-The-Handsome-Is-The-Worst cake, he would also spread rumors about how his wife was so crazy. “Why is she always so upset all the time?” he would whine. “I guess she must be insane.” I HATE YOU PHILIP THE HANDSOME.

    Juana would deal with his on/off desertion by throwing herself against the walls to injure herself, by crying herself to sleep, and by otherwise doing the best she could in an era before cognitive-behavioral therapy or antidepressants or knowledge about post-partum disorder. And all the while, Philip would run around like, “My wife is crazy, I tell you! CRAZYYYY!”

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    Pilar López de Ayala as Juana of Castile in Juana La Loca

    In 1504, Juana’s mother Isabella fell ill. Juana, who clearly loved her mother even though they scream-fought much of the time, became so upset at her mother’s illness that she herself stopped eating or sleeping. Anyone who stops eating and sleeping will likely wind up behaving in some unusual/erratic ways but then add to that the way Philip left without saying goodbye (because he was tired of Spain’s throttling Catholicism and how he wasn’t able to party and have sex with random women as much as he wanted). Upon finding he’d returned to Flanders, Juana was determined to follow him, but her mother — from her deathbed! — was like, “Girl, look at your life, look at your choices.” Juana was desperate to leave, but Isabella had her restrained and kept in town. This wasn’t just the normal Isabella abusive behavior: Juana was heavily pregnant, and traveling would be dangerous for her. Juana freaked out completely at being separated from Philip and continued to not eat or sleep and wandered around babbling incoherently. To me, this sounds like perfectly ordinary behavior of a young woman who had been consistently pregnant for eight years, whose mother was on her deathbed, who lived in a time when nobody understood psychology, and who had not been eating or sleeping for a while. BUT WHAT DO I KNOW.

    After giving birth to her baby, Juana pleaded with her parents to let her chase after Philip. When they forbade her from leaving again, Juana ran away only half-dressed, threw herself against the front gates of the castle, screaming until she exhausted herself and she was brought inside to rest. It wasn’t until one year following her son’s birth that she was finally granted permission to leave. And when she got back to Flanders, what did she find? Oh, just her beloved Philip in the arms of a mistress!!  With the rage-fuelled passion of someone who’s been traveling by boats and carriage in the 15th century through a war zone of people dying of the plague, Juana confronted her rival with scissors and cut off the rival’s hair. And then – allegedly – stabbed her rival in the face with the scissors. OK, at this point, her actions are maybe getting a little beyond “she’s kind of stressed out at the moment” but at the same time, Philip quite clearly had been gaslighting and toying with her to the point that this sort of thing feels unavoidable. When stabbing the mistress didn’t make Philip love Juana any more, she turned to local witches for love potions. But then Philip found out about that and was like, “My crazy wife visited a witch!” and still didn’t love her the way she wanted him to.

    In the midst of this marital crisis, Juana got the news that her mother had passed away. This meant not just a whole “my mother is dead” grief cycle, but it also meant that Juana inherited her mother’s role as Queen of Castile and León. Guess who wasn’t a fan of this turn of events? Her husband, Philip, whose role was now just as her consort. Guess who else wasn’t a fan? Her father, Ferdinand, late in the game revealing himself to be The Worst. Both men began scheming to usurp Juana’s power by proclaiming themselves her co-monarch. First, Ferdinand went to the mint and had coins produced that said: “Ferdinand and Joanna, King and Queen of Castile, León and Aragon” hoping that would make it official he was co-ruler alongside his daughter. Philip was like, good idea, and minted coins of his own that said “Philip and Joanna, King and Queen of Castile, León and Archdukes of Austria, etc.” In the meantime, Juana was doing her best to hold it together, while — yes, still — being pregnant and having more babies and getting worse and worse post-partum issues.

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    Pilar López de Ayala as Juana in Juana La Loca

    By 1505, Juana had given birth to five children. Her eldest son, Charles, would be next in line for all of the thrones Juana currently stood to inherit. He was back in Flanders, being raised by some of Philip’s Habsburg relatives, which Ferdinand was really upset about. So Ferdinand took a new wife, hoping that they’d have a new son who would supplant Juana as his heir. But the thing is, Ferdinand’s new wife was French, and France was not very popular among the Spanish citizens, though, so this just made the public support Juana and Philip even more. And so, Juana and Philip — who had been living at this point back in Flanders — decided to return to Castile and deal with this whole Ferdinand situation. But they were shipwrecked (!!!) on the English coast. Where would they go?? Well, luckily Juana’s sister Katherine of Aragon had just recently married England’s Prince Henry, and they were happy to host her in-laws at Windsor Castle. After some family togetherness, Juana left England in January 1506, and that was the last time she would see any of her siblings again (#foreshadowing).

    Upon her return, Castile was on the brink of civil war due to some people supporting Ferdinand, and others supporting Juana/Philip. When Juana and Philip arrived in A Coruña, the nobles all deserted Ferdinand in order to support this younger couple. Ferdinand saw the writing on the wall, but also had a new scheme up his sleeve, and invited Philip for a secret meeting. At this meeting, Ferdinand agreed to turn control of the government of Castile over to his children, and would himself return to Aragon. BUT in the fine print, he and Philip had also agreed to a clause throwing Juana under the bus. Because of her illness* (*alleged insanity), she would be found incapable to rule, and so she would be excluded from all decision-making and also kept confined in a castle without any chance of escape. And so Ferdinand peaced out back to Aragon, leaving Philip in charge of Castile, and Juana a prisoner.

    But then just one year later, Philip suddenly died of official cause typhoid fever. Everyone secretly agreed he’d probably been poisoned by Ferdinand and WE WILL NEVER KNOW THE TRUTH (I bet it was poison, though). Whatever the cause, the newly-widowed and yes, still pregnant Juana was recorded as having displayed another example of “madness”.

    Just to recap before getting into what she did that others thought was mad: Juana had been consistently pregnant for by now, nine years (she’d had six children in that time), her mother had just died of self-inflicted starvation, two of her siblings had recently died at very young ages, she’d been imprisoned by her gross and horrible father, and her terrible husband/abuser had just unexpectedly died. There’s a lot of hormones and chemicals coarsing through her body, is what I mean. Add to that the fact that Juana had always been a very passionate sort of person, and what she did falls into a context that’s not necessarily she’s lost her marbles. 

    So what did she do? She refused to part with Philip’s coffin. Rumor had it (and still does!) that she was Weekend at Bernies-ing Philip’s corpse, sleeping next to it, eating dinner with it at the table, talking to it like a person a la Norman Bates. THAT IS NOT WHAT HAPPENED. What dud happen is that she just wanted to keep Philip’s coffin nearby; she had it kept in a church near the palace where she lived, so she could pay her respects daily. When she traveled, she had the coffin brought along. Eccentric, maybe. But not MAD.

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    Pilar López de Ayala as Juana in Juana La Loca

    During all of this, Ferdinand saw a way to steal his daughter’s powers from her — by continuing to allege she was insane and unfit to rule, he was able to appoint himself her guardian and to put himself in charge as administrator of the country. Juana, however, had just given birth to her sixth and final child and was ready to get back in the game. But on top of literally everything else going on, plague had rolled into Castile and people were dying all over the place. Ferdinand, still back in Aragon, just sat around and waited for Castile to sort of implode so he could swoop in and take over. Juana kept trying to get enough powerful allies and money to regain the throne, but she couldn’t muster enough support. Her asshole father then swanned into town in 1507, coincidentally at the same time that the plague was less of an issue, and he was able to use this random occurrence to make people think he’d been responsible for their change in fortune.

    So then, her TERRIBLE FATHER used all of his decades’ worth of slimy experience to metaphorically stomp all over Juana and steal the throne of Castile for himself. Juana refused to sign the paperwork that removed her royal powers and issued a statement saying basically, this was all bullshit. But Ferdinand was far more powerful than she, and she became again a Queen in name only. On top of making all of the ruling decisions, Ferdinand also had all of Juana’s loyal servants fired, replacing them with a smaller staff of people loyal to him alone, and ordered her to be confined to the Royal Monastery/Convent of Santa Clara in Tordesillas, Castile. All of her children were left in Flanders to be raised by Philip’s sister, Margaret of Austria, apart from her youngest daughter, Catherine. Juana refused to be parted from baby Catherine, and so the young girl remained to be raised in the convent (not unlike how Juana’s mother Isabella had been raised in a convent with her allegedly-insane grandmother, Isabel).

    GOOD NEWS for Juana, though, was that her father’s second marriage had failed to produce a new heir who would supplant her in the line of succession. The position of heir to the thrones of Castile and Aragon, upon Ferdinand’s death, would be Juana’s oldest son, Charles. BUT Charles had been born and raised back in Brussels, whereas Juana’s second son, named Ferdinand (maybe as an attempt to make peace with her father??) had been born and raised in Castile, due to Juana having been captive there at the time of his birth. So, the older Ferdinand preferred the younger Ferdinand to be his heir, not just because they had the same name but also because Baby Ferdinand had grown up in Spain. Ferdinand Sr. briefly even named Baby Ferdinand as his heir in his will, but some clever courtier managed to convince him to switch it back to name Charles as his heir.

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    Pilar López de Ayala as Juana in Juana La Loca

    But, when Ferdinand finally died (good riddance), Charles was back in Flanders and not able to take over right away. And so Ferdinand’s bastard son, Alonso de Aragón, was put in charge of Aragon, while an Archbishop was put in charge of Castile and León as regent in Juana’s place. Just so we’re all keeping track: Juana was still alive, and being kept trapped in a castle, due to her alleged madness. She could have taken over ruling both kingdoms, but was not permitted to.

    So then in 1517, Charles — now seventeen years old — arrived in Asturias to take on his role as King. He and his sister Eleanor met with Juana, acquiring from her the permission that Charles would be her co-ruler of Castile, León, and Aragon. And although at that point Charles could have released his mother, he did not. However, Eleanor did arrange things in the castle-prison such that it was more comfortable and homey for her mother’s comfort.

    Charles was not a popular King due to his Habsburg roots and his connection to mainland Europe. There was a revolt in 1520, during which rebel leaders turned to Juana for support to remove Charles from the throne. Since she was technically still the Queen, if she gave them her written approval, the rebels would win and Charles would be deposed. Knowing this, Charles sent a delegation of his own supporters to try and get to her first to have her put in writing that she didn’t approve of the rebels. Juana was like, “Hmm, let me think about this…” and dawdled long enough that the rebels were able to storm into town to officially request her support. Ultimately, Juana decided against signing the document in order to support her son’s reign and to try and bring peace to the land.

    But meanwhile, Juana was showing more signs of mental instability. She grew paranoid that some of the nuns tasked with caring for her were trying to kill her — which, frankly, was entirely possible, there was a lot of poisoning going on all the time. Apparently, as Juana’s condition deteriorated, she required assistance with most parts of her day, including eating, bathing, changing her clothes, and sleeping. Charles instructed her caretakers not to let her see or speak to anyone. Obviously we’ll never know what specific things were happening in her brain at this time, though historians’ theories range from schizophrenia to bipolar disorder to a severe case of depression. Like her grandmother Isabel, though, I think a lot of this can be traced back to the hormone fluctuations of her six pregnancies, combined with undiagnosed/untreated post-partum disorder, combined with a sensitive/passionate personality, combined with her troubles eating and sleeping, the effect of Philip’s philandering on her, and the way that her father kept gaslighting her that she was crazy. Is it madness, having all that going on and living in a time and place where mental health was not understood at all, for a woman to sort of shut down psychologically? And if it is madness, which maybe it was, how much of that was a self-fulfilling cycle of her being treated like a madwoman for so long, she just wound up leaning into it?

    Juana of Castile passed away at age seventy-five on April 12th, 1555, having spent forty-six years in captivity. Her tomb is in the Royal Chapel of Granada, alongside her parents (which sucks, because they were awful to her), as well as Philip (see above) as well as her sister Isabella’s young son, Miguel. While she herself is remembered for her “madness”, her legacy is through her six children. Her son Charles became Charles V, King of Spain and Holy Roman Emperor; her son Ferdinand succeeded Charles as Holy Roman Emperor; her daughter Eleanor served as Queen of Portugal and Queen of France; her daughter Elizabeth was Queen of Denmark; her daughter Maria was Queen of Hungary; and her youngest daughter Catherine, who had lived for a decade with Juana in captivity, became Queen of Portugal. Through these six monarchs, the Habsburg dynasty would continue unabated through to the 18th century.

    Note: a previous version of this essay suggested that Isabella had physically abused and tortured Juana during her childhood. The idea that Isabella or Ferdinand had applied torture methods to Juana seems to have originated in letters from, some of which can be found here. However, as further verification of this cannot be found, all references to Isabella abusing Juana in this manner have been removed from this essay.

    For more information about Juana of Castile, I suggest the books: Sister Queens by Julia Fox and Juana I: Legitimacy and Conflict in Sixteenth-Century Castile by Gillian B. Fleming.

  • Caroline of Brunswick: The Scandalous Story Of Britain’s First Tabloid Princess

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    Prepare yourselves because Caroline of Brunswick is one of the most interesting, bonkers, amazing and coolest women who ever lived. Her story has literally everything I love to read about: secret marriages! Scheming mistresses! A Mediterranean cruise! Riding a donkey amid an entourage of camels! A guest appearance by Jane Austen! With a woman this interesting, you’d think there would be a hundred biographies and at least a dozen biopics and/or miniseries about her. But guess what: THERE ARE NOT. There’s one movie, two books (one of which is written by an author who is clearly disgusted by her) and the world is more than due for the reclamation of her legendary story. So get ready because this saga has both TWISTS and TURNS.

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    Due to a serious lack of film treatments of Caroline’s story, we’ll be using images of Romola Garai to help illustrate this story. Here she is in Emma.

    Caroline Amelia Elizabeth of Brunswick (great name) was born on May 17th, 1768. Her mother was Princess Augusta of Great Britain, the older sister of King George III. Now, the eighteenth and nineteenth centuries were filled with far more King Georges than I can keep track of but don’t worry, you know this one. George III is known for: his showstopping song in Hamilton, being in charge of England at the time that the American Revolution happened, and for being so incapacitated by illness that he would up being King in name only with his son, also called George, taking over during a period you might know called THE REGENCY ERA. Of all the Georges, he’s maybe one of the best-known these days. But he’s not Caroline’s father, he’s her Uncle. Caroline’s father was the Duke of Brunswick-Wolfenbüttel, so basically, she grew up in Germany as a sort of minor royal.

    Her childhood was EMOTIONALLY FRAUGHT because Augusta and the Duke of Brunswick-Wolfenbüttel (henceforth called DBW, because that’s a long name) did not get along particularly well. DBW had a mistress named Louise Herteford, and it was at the relationship level where he didn’t try to hide it and Louise got to be his date to official parties, et cetera. Caroline, like children of divorced parents throughout the years, became a bargaining chip/messenger pigeon between her estranged parents, which was a pretty shitty situation to find herself in. She spoke German as her first language and was also taught English because she — like all the other younger female royals — was being groomed as a possible bride to King George III’s oldest son, Prince George aka Prinny (that was his real nickname), who would one day become King. Yes, Caroline was first cousins with Prinny, but that wasn’t a concern at this time in a Targaryen sort of way.

    Caroline’s parents were too busy openly hating one another to pay her much attention, and even if they had noticed her they didn’t care much about education. So, Caroline did not get an especially thorough education. Know what else she didn’t get? Much of any socialization with boys or men. She was raised in a sort of Rapunzel scenario, kept hidden in her room when guests were over (and forbidden from looking out the windows!!), and always overseen by female servants and governesses. She was, from the beginning, a very fun-loving and high spirited girl who wanted to do things like attend balls and have a good time. Her parents usually forbade her from doing anything of the sort, and on the rare occasion she attended balls, she was made to sit and play cards with the older women and was forbidden to dance. It was an 18th-century Footloose/ Dirty Dancing/ Cinderella scenario and if it sounds like she’s ripe for some dance rebellion, guess what: she totally was. Nobody puts Caroline in the corner!

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    Romola Garai in Emma

    So, what’s an extroverted, not-particularly-well-educated but resourceful and strong-willed princess to do? Upon being forbidden from attending yet another ball, and without a fairy godmother or sewing mice to help her out, Caroline pretended to be having a health crisis. She was screaming and writhing around, and servants rushed to get her parents to come and see to her. When they showed up, Caroline was like, “I’M LITERALLY IN LABOUR! I AM HAVING A BABY FOR REAL!!!” and forced her parents to Call The Midwife. Augusta and DBW were like, “How the dickens has our virginal daughter, who we keep literally trapped in her room all day and who has basically never met a man, gotten pregnant without us knowing??” But when the midwife arrived, Caroline stopped her act and was like, “Congratulations, you played yourselves. Next time you want to forbid me from going to a ball, I hope you THINK TWICE!!”

    Pause for a slow clap for Teen Caroline’s ingenuity, drama queen strategizing, and for totally becoming my hero.

    Augusta, being the sister of the British King, was keen to find an English relative for Caroline to marry. Due to Caroline’s family connections, and her own lovely appearance (she was round-faced, with curly blond hair, and of course her fun personality just made her seem all the more appealing), she was soon fending off numerous proposals from basically every eligible young man around. While they were doing this, do you think Caroline was sitting around waiting to find out who her husband would be? OF COURSE NOT. Caroline apparently had fallen in love with a non-royal young man, whose name we don’t know. What we do know is that DBW forbid her from marrying this guy due to his “low status” which, to a family as wealthy and powerful as theirs, could mean either he was a shoe-shine boy or a slightly poorer aristocrat than they were. Rumour has it, this guy was an army officer from Ireland, who happened to live in Brunswick at the time. Rumour ALSO had it that Caroline secretly gave birth to a baby when she was fifteen years old, which could be partly due to her whole fake-going-into-labour gambit, or potentially is true. WE WILL NEVER KNOW FOR SURE.

    What we do know, though, is that Caroline made the most of the opportunities she had to leave her prison-bedroom. For instance, she enjoyed going out for horseback rides. As a little girl, she was allowed to ride into town and play with the children there. Potentially, as a teen, she continued on with these visits and wound up pregnant? The rumours of a secret baby may have been part of why she didn’t get married in her teen years, the age of which most young women of her status wound up in marriages of convenience. She became formally engaged in 1794, aged twenty-six. And who was her fiance? Oh, just her first cousin, the heir to the British throne, Prinny! And why did he pick Caroline to be his wife? Well, buckle up, because here’s where it all starts to go off the rails.

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    Romola Garai in Emma

    So, at the time of their engagement, Caroline and Prinny had never met. Also bear in mind that in 1794, the British royal family was incredibly unpopular and Prinny was one of the least popular members of the family. Everyone was mad at having lost the American Revolution, and also at the fact that their country was massively in debt but the royal family kept spending money like nothing was wrong. Prinny was especially known for being a shopaholic hoarder whose spending was so out of control that Parliament had basically cut off his line of credit. But, in a twist like at the beginning of a Regency-era romance novel, Prinny knew he would get an increase in his allowance if he got married to a princess. So he basically sat down with his mistress, Frances Villiers the Countess of Jersey, to figure out who would be the best possible wife.

    Now, Prinny is both useless and awful and fuck him, who cares. But FRANCES VILLIERS is a next level schemer, and if she weren’t in opposition to my beloved Caroline, I’d be cheering for her too. Basically, Prinny was like, “I have to choose a wife, apparently, Frances can you just pick someone?” and Frances smiled an evil Cersei Lannister smile and was like, “Of course darling.” She was genius at gossip, because all the best courtiers always are, and found out that word on the street was that Caroline was a) uneducated, b) sort of goofy, and c) sounded like she’d be easy to control. Frances didn’t want her power as royal mistress threatened by a wife who would pose a challenge to her, so she really advocated for Prinny to pick Caroline. He was like, “OK, whatever,” and agreed. Because Caroline’s family’s tiny country of Brunswick made for a good ally with Great Britain, Parliament was all for this match, and so the engagement went ahead. George III sent a man named Lord Malmesbury to Brunswick to pick up Caroline and escort her back to England. Everything’s great, right? WRONG.

    So, Malmesbury arrived on the scene to find Caroline — twenty-six years old, kept trapped in a room her whole life — was not at all prepared to marry the heir to the throne of Great Britain. Remember how her parents had sort of ignored her? She was a grown-up 18th-century latchkey kid, prone to saying inappropriate things, acting selfishly, and basically not behaving in the genteel manner expected of a princess. And so, in a plotline that again sounds like the beginning of a very good Regency-era romance novel, Malmesbury decided to stay in Brunswick in order to give Caroline princess lessons.

    So, imagine My Fair Lady if Eliza Doolittle just like… didn’t feel like learning how to be a lady. Malmesbury did his best to teach Caroline the polite ways to act, what to do with all the tiny forks at a fancy dinner party, the importance of changing her clothes and bathing regularly, and a lot of things that other people already knew but which Caroline had never been taught. She was a handful as a student, but Malmesbury came to really enjoy her company. She was truly just such a fun person, eventually, he was like, “Know what? She’s obviously never going to change, but she’s already engaged to Prinny, so let’s get this show on the road.” And off they went, to England!

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    Romola Garai in Daniel Deronda

    When they arrived in England, the first person to greet them was Caroline’s new chief lady-in-waiting… EVIL FRANCES!! I’m sure she smiled her Cersei smile and linked arms like, “I’m sure we’re going to be great friends” while secretly making plans to short-sheet Caroline’s bed, or whatever. Caroline headed off to meet her fiance Prinny, who — remember, he’d only agreed to marry her so he’d get an increase in his allowance — she found to be pretty gross and useless, saying he was quote “nothing like as handsome as his portrait.” BURN, Caroline. Prinny also didn’t care for Caroline, he just wanted money to buy new gold-lined codpieces etc., and she was a means to an end. And he especially didn’t like her unconventional table manners or the way she spoke her mind all the time or especially at the way Caroline made fun of Frances in front of everyone. But like, of course, she did. Caroline very quickly had realized that Frances was Prinny’s mistress, and having seen how a mistress ruined her own parents’ marriage, was quite unimpressed with the whole scenario.

    But, although the bride and groom hated each other, their engagement had already been announced so they weren’t allowed to call it off. And so, Caroline and Prinny were married three days after meeting, on April 8th, 1795. Prinny was drunk throughout the ceremony which — PLOT TWIST — was not his first marriage ceremony. That’s right, he was ALREADY MARRIED. Before he took up with Evil Frances, Prinny had secretly and illegally married a woman named Maria Fitzherbert, with whom he lived as man and wife for EIGHT YEARS and with whom he had some technically illegitimate children. BUT because he hadn’t gotten his father’s permission and because Maria was Catholic, that first marriage was invalid. Just keep that in your back pocket for a minute, it obviously becomes important later. This whole thing is just a bouquet of every scandalous thing possible. Oh, and know what happens when the groom is drunk at his own wedding and keeps on drinking? He was drunk for the wedding night too. As per Caroline, he was so drunk that he, quote, “passed the greatest part of his bridal night under the grate, where he fell, and where I left him.” BURN, Caroline.

    So, Prinny and Caroline hated each other but they knew the whole point of this marriage was to have a baby who would be the next heir to the throne. Caroline gave birth (for real this time!) nine months after their wedding, to a baby girl they named Charlotte. Did this bring the two of them closer together? Obviously not. In fact, after Charlotte’s birth, Prinny amended his will to leave everything to Maria Fitzherbert (who he called his wife) and left just one shilling to Caroline. Like, that’s just great. Literally three days after giving birth to your CHILD, to disinherit your WIFE is just like: every man in every one of these stories just keeps lowering the bar for how shitty you can possibly be.

    But guess what: remember how everyone in England hated the royal family, especially Prinny? They still did. And they saw how terribly Caroline was being treated, and so the public rallied behind her. Prinny’s parents were like, “We’re the King and Queen so if we say she sucks, that’s like the law basically,” but the people of England were like, “No YOU SUCK! Caroline is GREAT!” And she would take baby Charlotte out in a carriage, and people cheered for her because they all took her side in this situation, which they should, because she was being treated horribly. Basically, everyone hated the royals so much that it didn’t take much for Caroline to become a sympathetic heroine. And guess who helped exacerbate the divide between Caroline and her in-laws? Oh, just a little thing that had just been invented called TABLOID JOURNALISM!

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    Romola Garai in Daniel Deronda

    So, just like today, courtiers were keen to anonymously tell behind-the-scenes royal secrets to the newspapers. Stories came out about Caroline and George’s terrible marriage, all of which made her look like the victim (WHICH SHE WAS) and him like a gross useless bully (WHICH HE WAS). And know who else became a character in this real-life ongoing soap opera? Evil Frances! Her name popped up in the news stories, too, with rumours that she intercepted all of Caroline’s mail and read it, which frankly she probably did. Prinny, now married, was busy spending all of his new allowance money in the stupidest of ways — like, buying luxury stockings and curtains and jewels never mind the fact that the country was literally in the midst of war. And the Royals just kept being terrible to Caroline! Which made everyone love her all the more! Because it was a new era of fighting PR battles in the news media, and Caroline was amazing at this and the Royals were terrible at it.

    Prinny and Frances had chosen Caroline to be his wife because they thought she was naive and they could control her. But underestimating her seemed to be bringing about their downfall, so they decided they had to get rid of her. Not MURDER her (I mean, at this point, I wouldn’t be surprised) but to try and just send her out of the way. So, Prinny and Caroline legally separated. Frances resigned as Caroline’s lady-in-waiting, because this whole time she’d been literally at Caroline’s side all the time, and the schism seemed complete. Caroline headed off to live in her own residence outside of London. And guess what: finally, all her dreams were coming true. There was nobody keeping her trapped in her room, nobody controlling her every movement or action. Caroline was free to do whatever she wanted!! Which is just what she did.

    Caroline flirted with every man she met. She was rumoured to have had flings with various men who she entertained at home. She was throwing parties and living her best life, and having an amazing time. Of course, she missed her daughter Charlotte, who was being raised by governesses back with her awful father. Caroline visited her as often as she could but clearly had other maternal needs not being met by this shared custody arrangement. Which is when things take a sudden and unexpected turn, and Caroline begins collecting other peoples’ babies. Or having her own babies. It all gets, even for this story, even stranger from here on out.

    So, Caroline being Caroline, she still said whatever she thought all of the time and didn’t care what people thought about her. In 1802, she confided in her new country friend Lady Douglas that she was secretly pregnant, and her friend looked her up and down like, “Girl, what?” but anything’s possible. Caroline adopted a three-month-old boy named William Austin, who she sort of pretended was her son but who she also said she’d adopted, and also who were his parents and what was going on? Nobody knew. She took in other children as well, eventually opening her home to nine orphan children.

    By 1805, Caroline and Lady Douglas had had a falling out. Lady Douglas claimed that Caroline had been sending her threatening letters, and also alleged that Caroline had committed infidelity on her husband and that William Austin was Caroline’s biological son. How did Caroline fight back against this slander? By writing a LETTER TO THE EDITOR of their local newspaper, of course. The whole scandal was extremely public, and the royal family was like, “Didn’t we get rid of her already? WTF is going on? Why do the tabloids keep talking about her? How can we end this situation??” And then they did the exact opposite thing if they wanted people to stop talking about her: they launched an official investigation into whether or not Caroline was William Austin’s mother.

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    Romola Garai in Daniel Deronda

    So, this whole thing was known as “The Delicate Investigation” and it was supposed to be secret. But Evil Frances and all the other courtiers obviously kept leaking secrets to the press so everyone knew it was going on. Because it’s England in the 19th century, the commission was made up entirely of old white men including the literal Prime Minister, the Lord Chief Justice, and the Home Secretary. Like, these men with their wigs and pantaloons were just out there investigating the sex life of a thirtysomething woman just minding her own business. Isn’t it interesting how DIFFERENT things were TWO HUNDRED YEARS AGO, I’m so glad not to live in an era when old white men obsess constantly about the sex lives of women just doing their own thing. </SARCASM>

    The Delicate Investigators called upon Caroline’s ex-BFF and frenemy Lady Douglas, who bear in mind: hated Caroline, and had been leaking stories to the press about Caroline slutting it up and so was single-handedly responsible for this whole thing. And wouldn’t you know, Lady Douglas was like, “Caroline is basically a nymphomaniac! She sleeps with every man she sees! She even tried to seduce me!” Caroline’s servants were also called upon to testify, and they were all like, “Shrug, IDK if she was lovers with anyone, who knows, we mind our own business and also we know who signs our paychecks.” And THEN, a woman named Sophia Austin was summoned and she was like, “William Austin is totally my son, Caroline is not his mother, case closed, what a waste of time this all was.”

    And so, the Delicate Investigators were like, “that’s that Caroline didn’t cheat on her husband who abandoned her, and that baby is not hers.” So that’s GOOD NEWS. But then BAD NEWS: she had been forbidden to see her daughter Charlotte during the investigation, and even after being found innocent, she was only permitted to visit Charlotte once a week on supervised visits. Who supervised the visits? Caroline’s mother, Augusta! And what was Augusta doing back in England? Well, in more BAD NEWS, Brunswick had been invaded by the French and Caroline’s father DBW had been killed in battle. So, Augusta headed back to England for safety (remember, she’s George III’s sister) but, just as she’d been a pretty shitty parent to Caroline as a child, she continued to be awful in this new scenario and took her brother’s side over her own daughter’s. So Caroline stuck it out in yet another shitty situation, but if it makes you feel better, please do note that Charlotte was growing up to be EXACTLY LIKE HER MOTHER, full of spunk and sass and totally independent and driving everyone up the wall. So even with Caroline out of the picture, the Royals had a tweenage miniature version to contend with.

    The next major PLOT TWIST occurs in 1811 when King George III was declared permanently insane. This meant that Prinny became the official Regent and England descended into that popular romance novel time period: The Regency Era! So Prinny was not exactly King, but he had more powers than ever before. And what does a narcissistic jerk do when given more power? He enforces more terrible rules on the wife he hates! Caroline was denied further access to Charlotte, and she began to lose her friends as they chose to attend Prinny’s balls and parties instead of hers (even though you know hers would have been way more fun).

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    Romola Garai in Amazing Grace

    Caroline, who we know by now will NEVER give up especially when facing down her awful husband, schemed to find a powerful ally who would help her out. The entire tabloid press wasn’t enough anymore, she needed a person with political ties to help advocate for her. She found this helper in a guy named Henry Brougham, who was a politician who hated the royal family. Together, they began a campaign of anti-royal-family propaganda, making Caroline look good and Prinny look terrible. In retaliation, George shared Lady Douglas’s anti-Caroline testimony from the Delicate Investigation to the press. So then Brougham leaked the servants’ and Sophie Austin’s pro-Caroline testimony to the press. So by now, everyone in England knew all the secrets from this “top secret” investigation. And do you know who was around England at this time? Just a certain JANE AUSTEN, who was firmly on #TeamCaroline in this whole scenario. About the embittered princess, Jane wrote, quote, “Poor woman, I shall support her as long as I can, because she is a Woman and because I hate her Husband.” JANE AUSTEN MIC DROP.

    (If you’re wondering how other notable literary celebrities of the era fell down in this gossip battle, the famously lascivious poet Lord Byron later wrote a letter to his publisher accusing Caroline of being an adulterer. Literally everyone had an opinion on the matter.)

    By 1814, Caroline’s daughter Charlotte was now eighteen years old and guess what: she grew up AMAZING. Despite having been separated from her mother, those Brunswick genes were strong, proving something about nature-vs-nurture. Charlotte was now driving her father Prinny totally out of his mind because just like her mother, she was tired of being cooped up and wanted freedom and to enjoy being a Regency-era princess was that so much to ask?? Apparently, this was too much for Prinny, as he responded to his daughter’s request by putting her basically on house arrest, keeping her confined at home, replacing all of her old servants with new ones because he thought the old ones were bad influences on her, and forbidding her from having any visitors other than her grandmother, Queen Charlotte (who was Prinny’s mother, and the wife of Mad King George III). And what did Princess Charlotte, daughter of the indefatigable Caroline of Brunswick, do? She ran away to her mother’s house! PRINCESS CHARLOTTE MIC DROP. Princess Charlotte was later convinced to return back to her father’s house, but I included this information just for continued evidence of how amazing and cool she was, too.

    Caroline, meanwhile, had officially had enough of this English fuckery, and negotiated a deal with the Foreign Secretary that would allow her to move to Italy and get a generous allowance to live off of. She purchased a villa on Lake Como, which is where Amal and George Clooney live today, that’s how glamorous she was, and hired new servants including a man named Bartolomeo Pergami. They became very close, and everyone basically assumed they were lovers even though they were both technically married to other people, and I hope they were because Caroline deserves something wonderful and sexy in her life after all of this tumult. Whether she and Bartolomeo were sleeping together or not (they totally were), they had fabulous adventures together including going on a Mediterranean cruise and visiting Tunis, Malta, Constantinople, and Nazareth, among other places. For the princess who had grown up trapped in a room and not allowed to socialize with anyone, this must have been a dream come true.

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    Romola Garai in Emma

    When Caroline and Bartolomeo visited Jerusalem, she entered the city riding on a donkey among a convoy of camels, which makes me imagine her at this point like a Regency-era Phryne Fisher sort of glamorous international globetrotter. Like, okay, whatever Caroline’s relationship was with Bartolomeo (they were clearly lovers), she was having an incredible time of no-fucks-given life, and she deserved this after what Prinny and his family had put her through. Stories of her adventures got back to England, of course, where they were covered by the tabloids because she was their Kim Kardashian: everyone wanted to know everything she was doing, so they could be either appalled or enthralled or both at the same time. Of course, word of her adventures got their way back to Prinny, who I imagine like a cartoon with steam coming out of his ears because guess what: everyone still loved Caroline and hated him.

    All this travelling was costing Caroline a lot of money so she moved to a smaller villa but kept Bartolomeo on as her servant/possible lover (totally her lover). She also hired on his mother, brother, and daughter — but not his wife, funny that isn’t it — to work for her as servants.

    MEANWHILE BACK IN ENGLAND: Princess Charlotte was married to Prince Leopold of Saxe-Coburg-Saalfeld in 1816. The following year, she died giving birth to a stillborn son. Charlotte, like her mother, had been super popular and so this was taken as a national tragedy. Prinny, who can’t ever stop proving himself to be even worse than we’d already thought, didn’t notify Caroline of this news. He was like, “Leopold, why don’t you tell her,” but Leopold was a Not Awful Person and was so grief-stricken he didn’t get around to it. And so, through a series of weird coincidences, Caroline wound up finding out because she and Bartolomeo happened to be in Rome to visit the Pope. George had written to the Pope, and the courier taking George’s letter to the Pope happened to run into Bartolomeo and gave him the update. RIP, Princess Charlotte. It sounds like you were extremely cool and a credit to your mother. Charlotte was extremely beloved to everyone, and her death was mourned all across the country. The poet Percy Shelley published a pamphlet called An Address to the People on The Death of the Princess Charlotte, which was part tribute to the late Princess as well as a call to action to the British people to fight back against the government/monarchy, who everyone still hated. Charlotte and Caroline may have been personally adored, but the rest of the royals were still wildly hated.

    Because in case you thought things were calming down, spoiler: THINGS NEVER CALM DOWN. Prinny, now without an heir, became even more desperate to divorce Caroline so he could marry someone else and have a new baby who would inherit the throne from him. But when he tried to sneak some new policy into a meeting at Parliament, his ministers were like “No way, she’s a) way too popular to get rid of like that and also b) think of what a scandal that would cause to our already unpopular government!” And Caroline, strengthened from years of Mediterranean tourism and lots of pasta, decided to head back to England to sort things out with Prinny once and for all.

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    Romola Garai in Daniel Deronda

    Representatives from England intercepted her and offered to increase her monthly allowance if she’d just stay in Italy forever. Caroline was like, “I think NOT!” and, after bidding farewell to Bartolomeo, hopped on a boat to England. When she arrived, riots broke out because everyone was so excited to see their heroine again. Now, obviously Caroline was incredible and wonderful and I don’t blame the people of England for celebrating her return, but it was not just because she was their favourite tabloid cover star. Everyone hated the royal family and the government somehow EVEN MORE now, and all the rebels saw Caroline — who clearly also hated the royal family — as sort of their patron saint. In fact, a bunch of members of the Royal Guard MUTINIED because they loved Caroline and hated Prinny so much.

    But, with the single-minded focus of a misogynist who’s been consistently bested by a woman he pretends to think is stupid, George persisted with his divorce case. After examining the evidence, the government introduced a bill that would dissolve Caroline and Prinny’s marriage and revoke her title of Queen. This was based on allegations that Caroline had committed adultery with Bartolomeo. Unlike the Delicate Investigation, this was no closed-doors “secret” trial; this case was tried in public, and at stake was Caroline’s entire reputation.

    Witnesses from all around Europe who had seen Caroline and Bartolomeo’s various trips testified of the behaviour they’d seen, including that the pair had slept in the same room, kissed, and had been seen together semi-clothed. Prinny just kept trying the same thing, hoping that by sharing this information about Caroline, the public would turn against her and towards him. But just like every other time, everyone loved Caroline all the more for what they learned about her. Her fans weren’t just silently supporting her: more than 800 petitions were circulated, garnering over one million signatures from people who wanted the case against her to be dismissed. True to her spirited and amazing personality, Caroline even is said to have joked to her friends while the trial was going on that she had committed adultery — she’d slept with the husband of Maria Fitzherbert. Remember, from the first part of the story? The woman who Prinny had illegally married?? OH SNAP, CAROLINE!!

    But Prinny would NOT STOP TRYING TO DIVORCE HER. Was he idolizing his predecessor, Henry VIII, who had seemingly easily ended so many marriages? But the thing is, Henry VIII was basically a totalitarian ruler with the absolute support of all of his government officials. Prinny was still not the actual King, he was still a Regent who basically everyone hated, ruling in the place of his father, who was mentally unstable due to some sort of health reason, and who everyone also hated. Since the witnesses who’d already testified hadn’t been convincing enough, Prinny sent men to Milan to try and find more witnesses, different witnesses, anyone who would potentially provide the explosive evidence he needed. In fact, even pro-Caroline agents sent to Milan to snoop around learned that basically everyone there openly admitted she had been living with Bartolomeo as man and wife.

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    Romola Garai in Queen Anne

    By 1819, things weren’t looking good for Caroline. She tried to broker a deal with Prinny in which he would pay her off in order for to assent to a divorce, but that wouldn’t work because English law at the time said that divorces could only be granted if one or the other partner admits to adultery. Caroline was like, “Well I’ll never do that, so…” and the stalemate continued. But then the ULTIMATE PLOT TWIST: on January 19th, 1820, King George III died, making Prinny into King George IV, which meant that Caroline was now Queen of the United Kingdom… at least, nominally. She wouldn’t be officially recognized as Queen until she had a crown put on her head at Prinny’s coronation. And he was determined that would never happen.

    So, Prinny’s coronation was planned for July 19th, 1821. Caroline had not been invited, but GUESS WHAT, that didn’t stop her. She tried one set of doors but was stopped, and so she ran around the building and tried the second set of doors. Again, no luck. So, she ran around again and tried to enter through the main door, just sliding on in amid the crowd. The door was slammed in her face. But Caroline would not be deterred! She ran around again and luckily Westminster Abbey has lots of doors, one of which was around the back and was open. She finally got inside, only to be faced by one of Prinny’s staff, who somehow persuaded her to go back outside, which she did. After all this time, Caroline’s pathetic behaviour running around the building and making a spectacle of herself seemed to be what finally turned public affection against her. The people of England had loved her for a long time, but once they saw her act undignified, they’d had enough. The crowds jeered and booed her as she headed away in her carriage, the assholes.

    That very same night, Caroline fell ill. Her condition worsened over the next three weeks. When it became apparent she was not going to get better, Caroline made preparations for her death, which included burning all of her papers, letters, and memoirs (for privacy reasons), writing a new will, and organizing her own funeral arrangements. She requested to be buried back in Brunswick, with the words “Here lies Caroline, the Injured Queen of England” on her tomb, which is maximum petty and I love her for that. She passed away on August 7th, 1821, aged fifty-three. Her doctors at the time thought she had intestinal obstruction, though it may have also been cancer and — obviously — rumours were flying at the time that perhaps she had been POISONED BY THE KING (I choose to believe this third option for obvious reasons).

    As Caroline had been technically the Queen, it was seen to be proper for her to have a funeral procession through the streets of London. But of course, in death, her popularity had returned to its previous state, and the organizers were concerned that this sort of parade could spark a riot. They decided to process around the city, rather than through it. But like all the other plans anyone had ever made about Caroline, this all went awry and the city paid tribute to their fallen heroine in the best way they knew how: a massive riot. People threw stones and bricks at the soldiers, who retaliated by shooting into the crowd and, when that didn’t work, waving sabers around while riding on their horses. Ultimately, two people died in the chaos: a carpenter named Richard Honey, and a bricklayer named George Francis. Following this tragedy, the everyday people raised money in a kind of Regency-era Kickstarter in order to erect a tomb in memory of the two men, both of whom died leaving children behind, showing a spirit of unity and working-class solidarity among Caroline’s supporters.

    Following this riot, the funeral route was changed to go through the city as per the usual tradition. The route ended with her body being placed on a ship to be sent to Brunswick, where she was buried in Brunswick Cathedral. English cabinet ministers had rejected her request for her coffin to be inscribed with the phrase Here lies Caroline, the Injured Queen of England, and instead had one commissioned with the usual Latin verse placed on the tombs of past Queens. When the English delegation arrived in Brunswick, they were shocked to find that a plaque with Here lies Caroline, the Injured Queen of England had already been affixed to the coffin. A huge fight broke out between the Brunswick and English representatives until finally it was decided that Caroline’s plaque would be removed, and the Latin one put in its place. You have to hand it to her: even in death, Caroline continued bringing up passionate debate between her supporters and her enemies.

    Because she died young, leaving behind an awful husband who hated her and who was the king, Caroline’s legacy has long been based on the ugly rumours he spread about her. Not unlike Queen Anne, it’s taken centuries for historians to consider her seriously. We’re more than due for a reclamation of Caroline’s bananas life, her resilient and cheery spirit, and how cruelly she was treated by the royal family. She was adored by the non-royals to the extent she was instigating riots EVEN ONCE SHE WAS ALREADY DEAD. Caroline of Brunswick was a stone cold legend, period.

    #LongLiveTheQueen

  • Isabella of Castile: Part Two: Catholic Monarch, Warrior Queen

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    Previously on Basically Game of Thrones In Spain But Actual History With No Dragons: Isabel of Portugal dealt with a terrible husband and stepson in the best way she could, leaning into madness; her daughter Isabella of Castile escaped a haunted childhood castle to elope with a man named Ferdinand, overthrow her awful half-brother, force her half-niece Juana La Beltraneja out of the country, and declare herself Queen of Castile via coup-parade. It was, as they say, A Lot, and Isabella’s story was just getting started. If you haven’t read part one, you probably should, even just to learn about everybody’s names. Click here for part one!

    Isabella and Ferdinand were officially co-monarchs of both the huge kingdom of Castile and the smaller but important Aragon. They were truly an equal pairing, with Isabella given the same level of respect and responsibility as her husband. This feels like “so what” until you remember that this was the first time in Western history that a woman actively ruled a country. This was pre-Elizabeth I, pre-Catherine the Great, during a time and place where the word Queen usually just meant “the King’s wife”. When Isabella, twenty-three years old and slightly built, paraded down the street with a giant sword and declared herself Queen the people were like, “What?” But by the middle of her thirty-year reign, those same people were like, “She is the greatest human being that the world has potentially ever seen, at least in the past 500 years.” So what made Isabella such a notable Queen?

    Well, first of all, she was able to turn around the Castile’s finances through her careful and meticulous leadership. The past two kings—her half-brother El Impotente, and her father who had been the puppet of his evil pal Evil Del Luna—had been straight-up awful at the job. She inherited a country that was in massive amounts of debt due to her predecessor’s financial mismanagement, including El Impotente’s short-sighted plan to increase the country’s money by just minting more coins. Guess what, that never works. Isabella had paid close attention during her time in El Impotente’s court and came into the job with numerous ideas about how to salvage this particular situation like, for instance, putting an end to the excess coin manufacturing and also forcing nobles to pay off their debts to the crown.

    The ongoing war between Castile and Portugal had also been putting too much pressure on the country’s budget, so she used her brilliant strategic mind to put an end to this war with a number of peace treaties. Among the terms of these treaties was Portugal’s agreement that Juana La Beltraneja would be confined to a convent for the rest of her life, and forced to do lots of compulsory prayers. This is a peculiar clause, but it’s a hint at the way that Isabella would proceed to wield piety and religious devotion as a kind of punishment.

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    Michelle Jenner as Isabella in Isabel

    Yet another terrible thing about the reigns of El Impotente and his father was that criminals had never really been tracked down or punished in any sort of organized manner. This kind of made sense because the country’s laws had never actually been written down in a book, so Isabella also hired a scholar to write out an eight-volume set of all of the laws of the land. She saw herself as the divinely appointed arbiter of all that was good and holy, and she was determined to have a ZERO TOLERANCE POLICY against criminality, especially rape and sexual crimes. More rapists were tried and convicted during her reign than ever before.

    BUT, IMPORTANT NOTE: Isabella considered homosexual acts in the same league of unforgivable criminality as she did rape, and the punishment for men convicted of sodomy was to be castrated and hanged (also the punishment for heterosexual rapists).

    And because you can’t have Medieval Spanish law without Medieval Spanish order, Isabella also invented the concept of a state-sanctioned police department. Up to this point, justice had mostly been meted out by ad hoc gangs of men called brotherhoods or hermandads, so Isabella called her new royally appointed squad La Santa Hermandad (The Holy Brotherhood).

    Her predecessors had been largely under the thumb of powerful aristocrats, who themselves gave and accepted bribes for their own self-interest. Isabella and Ferdinand put an end to this whole situation by positioning themselves as absolute monarchs. Now, obviously being a dictator isn’t ideal under most circumstances, but this was one situation where it was their best and only option. The country’s allegiances had been scattered, and the new monarchs were determined to coalesce all support behind them. This also meant that they removed all power from the nobles, consolidating it all for themselves. Isabella had the nobles moved from active participants in government to mere audience members, replacing them with actual administrative staff like lawyers who would perform the actual tasks of running the country.

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    Michelle Jenner as Isabella in Isabel

    Basically, Isabella and Ferdinand got a stronghold over the country by just having a vision and a plan. The pair of them—especially Isabella—also wound being really effective in other ways, but their first steps were to take a struggling country and make it over into something actually productive. And in a sort of triage scenario, once they’d gathered all control into their own hands and had established law and order, they moved onto phase two: unify the country under a single religion.

    he and Ferdinand were so pious that the Pope bestowed upon them the name The Catholic Monarchs. So it should come as no surprise that they wanted everyone in their newly-unifying Spain to convert. This wasn’t conversion for conversion’s sake: Isabella truly saw herself as God’s hand on Earth, and her role as savior to all non-Catholics. Now, at the time that Isabella took over, Spain was populated not only by Catholics, but also by some Muslims, and the largest concentration of Jewish people of anywhere in Europe. So did this mean she ran around like a missionary, converting Jewish and Muslim people? No, this meant that she initially created policies forcing non-Catholics to convert, then later decreed that all non-Catholics were to be expelled from Spain without their money or possessions (which were then given to the crown, which also helped Isabella out financially).

    It was a horrifying time for Jewish and Muslim people in Spain, which there isn’t room here to get into, so here are some articles explaining how horrendous this whole thing was and the effect it had on world history:

    Modern Jewish History: The Spanish Expulsion

    Islam In Spain

    Simultaneous to the expulsion of Jewish and Muslim people, Isabella and Ferdinand were also hard at word conquering the remaining Muslim strongholds in their area, which were run by the Nasrid dynasty. Isabella was actively involved with this multi-year campaign, helping to plan campaigns and accompanying troops near the field of battle. Using the newly increased treasury, she amassed a larger arsenal of weapons than any previous monarch had ever acquired, including cannons strong enough to destroy castle walls. Her tactics and arsenal forced all armies in Europe to change their battle strategies.

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    Michelle Jenner as Isabella in Isabel

    The final stronghold of the Nasrid empire was Granada, which finally surrendered to the Catholic monarchs in 1492. Isabella and Ferdinand entered the city and were ceremonially presented with the keys to the city, and then set out converting not only the people but the place itself—reconsecrating the primary mosque into a Catholic church, for instance. Their success in defeating Muslim expansion forever altered the global balance of power, which to this point had been in favor of the East. Spain was becoming the first Western superpower, paving the way for the domination of France, then England, and then the United States on the world stage. More on that in this article: ‘These are the keys of this paradise’: how 700 years of Muslim rule in Spain came to an end.

    Isabella and Ferdinand had achieved massive success in their plans to consolidate the various parts of Spain into a single empire with themselves as supreme rulers. Rather than spreading themselves to the East, Isabella’s interest was piqued by a persistent Italian adventurer named Cristoffa Corombo, or as his Anglicized name is better known, Christopher Columbus. Corombo approached the Catholic monarchs numerous times for support for his goal to voyage across the Atlantic to find a new trade route to the Indies, but it was only when he dropped his price to something Isabella found acceptable that she agreed to fund his trip. The money she had seized from the expelled Jewish and Muslim people was used to fund this trip.

    Now, Corombo’s actions in North America are fairly well known and in case you weren’t sure how truly awful he was and the things he perpetrated were, here’s some reading material:

    Christopher Columbus 1451 – 1506 Opens the Door to European Invasion of the Americas

    Atrocities Against Native Americans

    Columbus and Genocide

    Columbus Controversy

    What’s interesting about this whole scenario is that Isabella was never comfortable with the idea of enslaving or mistreating the Indigenous people of the Americas. This was partly because she viewed Corombo’s colonies in the Americas as subsidiaries of Castile, which made the Indigenous people—to her—Castilian subjects. And the law of the land was that Castilian subjects could not be enslaved. Furthermore, she was keen to convert the Indigenous people to Catholicism—and, to her, Catholics could also not be enslaved. (But, to her, Black people captured during her conquest on the African continent could be enslaved).

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    Michelle Jenner as Isabella in Isabel

    Of course, her desire to convert people to Catholicism was not limited to Indigenous people of the Americas. Isabella and Ferdinand were also consistently obsessed with ensuring that every single person living in Spain practiced the same religion they did, to the point that they began mistrusting people who claimed to be Catholic. Their goal was to build a country that was entirely homogenized—100% Catholics, 100% of whom fully supported the Catholic monarchs. And so they founded a royal Inquisition aka The Spanish Inquisition. They weren’t the first people to do this, but they were among the most successful at it, by which I mean they captured and killed more than most other Inquisitions did. Here’s more info on this point:

    In a nutshell: Spanish Inquisition

    Isabella’s religious fervor was not limited to her subjects; she applied similar high standards, and problematic/abusive methods on her own family members as well. And it is in her home life that Isabella found herself caught in a sequence of events she was not able to defeat with her cleverness or ruthlessness.

    Isabella and Ferdinand had five children: Isabel of Aragon; Juan, Prince of Asturias; Juana of Castile; Maria of Aragon; and Katherine of Aragon. Isabella ensured that all of her children were provided with extensive education, hiring Italian humanists as tutors. It had not been standard for children to be educated to this extent, especially not girls. Isabella presented herself as a role model to her daughters in other ways too, such as by bringing them with her when she accompanied troops into battle.

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    Michelle Jenner as Isabella, with Rodolfo Sancho as Ferdinand, in Isabel

    Isabella, having grown up in a ghost castle and having spent her adolescence leading a coup to steal the throne, hadn’t received much schooling in her childhood, and so worked to ensure her children would all get the best possible education. Isabel, Juan, Juana, Katherine, and Maria were all taught basically everything possible for that era and location: various languages, science, history, politics, archery, dancing, music, and more. As Juan was trained in how to become the new King, the girls learned both the skills required to be a wife and mother alongside their other studies. Isabella and Ferdinand ensured that their family would be impervious to criticism, and each of the children was recorded as having been both accomplished and gorgeous. The girls all seem to have inherited many of the personality traits of their mother, as they all wound up expressing tenacity alongside very powerful streaks of stubbornness. Of all of the children, Isabella clashed most often with Juana, perhaps because these two were more alike than any of the others.

    One final part of Isabella and Ferdinand’s strategy for complete Spanish domination was to connect their dynasty with royal families in other countries. As such, they arranged the best possible matches for each of their children. Isabel was shipped off to marry the Portuguese king, while Juan and Juana were each married off to a Habsburg royal. Isabel’s husband died suddenly at a very young age, after which Isabel begged to be allowed to remain unmarried and to life as a nun. But she was needed to help firm up the alliance with Portugal, and so Isabella sent her daughter back to marry the new Portuguese King. Isabel died in childbirth a year later, her baby son soon passing away as well. At around this same time, Juan—who Isabella had always favored, referring to him as her “angel”—also died. This meant—much to Isabella’s grief and frustration—that her seeming least-favourite daughter, Juana, was suddenly and unexpectedly heir to the thrones of Castile and Aragon.

    Isabella’s youngest daughters, Maria and Katherine, were sent off shortly for their own politically advantageous marriages—Maria, to be the second wife to Isabel’s widower, the King of Portugal, and Katherine off to marry Arthur, the English crown prince. (This did not go particularly easily for Katherine, which is what the new show The Spanish Princess will be about).

    These deaths in quick succession, combined with the heartbreak of having her children move away, severely affected Isabella’s health, including her mental health. She turned to prayer and fasting for strength, which only weakened her constitution. Isabella slowly succumbed to the effects of dropsy, but kept enough of her wits about her to be able to compose her will. This document is part advice and instruction to Ferdinand (who would go on to rule for another twelve years) as well as their successors, in which she charges them to remain vigilant against the Devil and his minions (including Muslim and Jewish people), as well as to continue working to conquer the African continent and to continue the Inquisition. She also notes her desire for the Indigenous people of the American colonies to be treated fairly, and not to be abused.

    Queen Isabella died at age 53 on November 26, 1504, at the Medina del Campo Royal Palace, where she had been living bedridden for her final months. Her tomb is in Granada, the site of one of her greatest military and political victories, in the Capilla Real. Queen Isabella is laid next to her husband, Ferdinand, as her daughter and heir Juana (who died 55 years later), Juana’s awful husband who we don’t care about, and Isabel’s dead baby son, Miguel.

    Isabella forever changed the course of world history. She founded the first cross-Atlantic colonial empire, creating a template to be used later by both the French and the English. Her successes in the wars against Muslim areas paved the way for Christianity to become the dominant religion through most of Western Europe. She was also the first European woman to be recognized as a monarch in her own right, changing the meaning of the word Queen to mean “a woman who rules” rather than just “the woman married to the King.” There are echoes of her story in the character arc of Daenerys Targaryen on Game of Thrones. Like Isabella, the character of Daenerys went from a forgotten, sidelined young woman to am ambitious would-be Queen to a seemingly power-mad colonizer. Isabella’s legacy is complex and impossible to label as entirely positive or entirely negative; what I can say without a doubt is that hers was one of the most consequential and important reigns in European history.

    Note: a previous version of this essay suggested that Isabella had physically abused and tortured her daughter Juana during her childhood. The idea that Isabella or Ferdinand had applied torture methods to Juana seems to have originated in letters from, some of which can be found here. However, as further verification of this cannot be found, all references to Isabella abusing Juana in this manner have been removed from this essay.

    References And Further Reading

    Isabella of Castile: Europe’s greatest queen?

    https://www.nationalgeographic.com/archaeology-and-history/magazine/2019/03-04/queen-isabellas-rise-to-spanish-throne/

    https://www.historyrevealed.com/eras/medieval/in-a-nutshell-spanish-inquisition/

    https://www.jstor.org/stable/2901532?seq=1#page_scan_tab_contents

  • Isabella of Castile: Part One: The Exiled Madwoman’s Daughter

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    Previously on Keeping Up With The Castilian And Portuguese Royal Families…

    A clever and ambitious young woman named Isabel of Portugal wound up with a terrible husband named King Juan II of Castile. Juan’s first wife, Maria, had probably been poisoned to death by Juan’s evil henchman del Luna because she was too old to have any more babies. The only surviving baby Maria had had was Prince Enrique aka El Impotente, so-called because he grew up and went through two wives without having any of his own children. Juan wanted to have some new kids to be his heirs, which is why he married Isabel. Together, they had a son and a daughter — Isabella and Alfonso. When Juan died, El Impotente sent his step-mother and two little half-siblings to live in poverty in a ghost castle. Isabel, pretty understandably fed up with ALL of this, began spending her time in a fugue state, screaming at ghosts. Which brings us to this week’s heroine, Isabel’s daughter, Isabella of Castile.

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    Michelle Jenner as Isabella in the Spanish TV series Isabel. Jenner resembles accounts of what Isabella is said to have looked like, with a pale complexion and red-blond hair.

    Little Girl, Big Ghost Castle

    Isabella of Castile was born on April 22, 1451, the first child born to King Juan II of Castile and Isabel of Portugal. Her younger brother Alfonso was born when Isabella was three; later that same year their father, Juan died. Although Juan had left instructions in his will that El Impotente (his older, useless, adult son) should take care of Isabel, Isabella, and Alfonso, El Impotente… basically, did not do this. He sent Isabel — still in the throes of postpartum along with likely PTSD from traumatic Medieval childbirth and her own tendency toward depression — along with her newborn baby and toddler-aged daughter to live in the Castle of Arévalo. How did this go? NOT WELL.

    Isabel’s mental state, already precarious, began to worsen as she found herself stranded in a mostly-abandoned castle in the middle of nowhere. El Impotente didn’t send them as much money as they should have received, meaning that the three-person family didn’t have enough food or clothes or furniture, etc., and also possibly the castle was haunted by ghosts (Isabel, the Mom, spent a lot of her time screaming at ghosts she said were chasing her). Little Girl Isabella lived in this situation from ages three to nearly eleven, meaning that she and her brother Alfonso were mostly fending for themselves. Even in this situation, though, Isabella distinguished herself for being extremely clever and intelligent and basically for not giving up despite living in a pretty dire underdog situation. All of the members of the family drew strength from their Catholic faith, which is important to mention as perhaps Isabella’s experience of religion mixed with deep personal trauma and psychological distress could have something to do with her world view later on. #spoilers

    But why, when Isabella was about eleven years old, did El Impotente invite her and Alfonso to join him at the royal court in Segovia? Well, it’s because, after seven years of marriage, El Impotente’s wife Juana of Portugal was having a baby! As this baby would supplant both Isabella and Alfonso in the line of succession, El Impotente was feeling more kindly towards his much-younger half-siblings. After all, once he had his own heir, those two wouldn’t be threats to him, right? OR SO HE THOUGHT.

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    Michelle Jenner as Isabella in Isabel

    A New Baby Rival

    Now, a few words on El Impotente’s wife Juana of Portugal. Like all the women who surrounded El Impotente, Juana had developed a reputation for being “crazy”. In her case, this mostly meant that she voiced her opinions, sometimes wore lower-cut dresses than the Castilian nobles preferred, and was seen to be bossy towards El Impotente. Also, rumor had it that she was carrying on affairs with various lovers, while still married to El Impotente. Now, based on everything we know about El Impotente (namely, that his personality was terrible and his penis wasn’t shaped in such a way to go inside of vaginas), this all seems reasonable to me. Honestly, it’s very Henry VIII of El Impotente to always be like, “We all know I’m totally fine, it’s just these crazy women all around me who keep not having sons and are crazy, am I right?” But the point of all this is: Juana suddenly became pregnant after seven years together with El Impotente, and everybody pretty much agreed right away that there’s no way El Impotente was possibly this baby’s father.

    Juana’s rumored lover was a man named Beltrán de la Cueva, which is an amazing name, and I bet he was super-hot. When she gave birth to a daughter, she and El Impotente named her Baby Juana (aww) but everyone started referring to the baby as Juana La Beltraneja, meaning, basically, “Beltrán’s baby”. Now, if El Impotente had been a more popular King and less of a horrible human being, maybe this nickname wouldn’t have stuck. But he was both a terrible King and a really useless person, and so even in history books, Baby Juana is referred to as Juana La Beltraneja. But her father was officially El Impotente, which made Juana La Beltraneja the new heir to the throne of Castile, shoving Isabella and Alfonso down to second and third in line. El Impotente decided to let his half-siblings stay, and I’m sure they were like “YES PLEASE” and so Isabella finally got to begin having a proper education from non-ghost tutors.

    It was here that Isabella’s extreme intelligence started to become apparent. She was brilliant in all of her studies, including science and math and religion and dancing. Basically, she was the real deal and was especially interested in learning about politics. Namely, the politics of Castile and Portugal and what was going on in the world she was living in. She learned about how her half-brother El Impotente was an extremely terrible King, and how Portugal and other countries were constantly trying to attack Castile. She learned that there was a strong faction who wanted to make her brother Alfonso the new heir, instead of Juana La Beltraneja. Basically, she laid low and paid attention and was the smartest teen girl in the castle. Meanwhile, in the outside world, battles were fought and treaties were brokered, and eventually, El Impotente agreed with the rebels that he’d name Alfonso his heir but only if his half-brother married his daughter Juana La Beltraneja. And before we can all screw up our faces at that weird incestuous child marriage situation, Alfonso died under MYSTERIOUS CIRCUMSTANCES. (Spoiler: basically everybody in this story dies of MYSTERIOUS CIRCUMSTANCES, it’s that sort of story).

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    Michelle Jenner as Isabella in Isabel

    Isabella of Castile, Teen Crisis Negotiator

    With Alfonso now dead, there were two potential heirs left for El Impotente: his half-sister, the brilliant Isabella, or his potentially illegitimate baby daughter, Juana La Beltraneja. Both girls had their own supporters, none of whom cared about them as people, but mostly for what they represented. Isabella’s genetic profile was seen as preferable since nobody doubted who her parents had been. Juana La Beltraneja was tainted by association with her mother’s “crazy” reputation, and also everybody hated El Impotente. Isabella knew that she had the chance here to seize power, but had to play her cards right. As a girl who’d gone from royal Princess to living in an abandoned ghost castle, she knew how quickly luck could change. She was also a bit of a busybody and couldn’t just sit by while her half-brother El Impotente ran around being a terrible King. She had to intervene, for the good of the country that she was hoping to one day inherit!

    Seeing how the country of Castile was literally engaging in a civil war over who would inherit from El Impotente, Isabella took it upon herself to sort things out. She sat El Impotente down at a negotiating table and forced him to make a peace treaty with her. Bear in mind, she was at this point seventeen years old, and her half-brother the King was forty-three, and she had all the power because that’s just how amazing she was. Isabella proposed that she’d get all of her supporters to stop fighting against El Impotente if he named her, Isabella, as his heir instead of Juana La Beltraneja. El Impotente countered by saying “Sure, but you have to marry someone I choose.” Isabella was like, “Okay, but I get veto power and you can’t make me marry someone I don’t want to marry.” And El Impotente was like, “FINE, but you can’t get married without my permission.” You know they were both already thinking of sneaky ways around all of these terms, but they still shook hands that day and agreed to the terms. Isabella got her supporters to stand down, and the civil war was ended. Which meant it was time to find a husband for this seventeen-year-old master negotiator!

    So, as a princess in late Medieval Europe, obviously, the question of Isabella’s marriage had been discussed since basically the day she was born. Her first betrothal had come about when she was just a little six-year-old princess living in the ghost castle, and her child fiance had been a boy one year younger than her named Prince Ferdinand of Aragon. But one year later this all went belly-up due to various infighting and shenanigans between the people of Castile, Portugal, and Aragon. In fact, as evidence that Ferdinand’s family was just as much the most as Isabella’s, these failed marriage negotiations wound up with one of Ferdinand’s relatives thrown in jail for plotting to kill his own father. Reminder: every single person in this whole saga is highly dramatic and yet it’s just the women who get called “crazy” like: I see you, misogyny.

    Shortly after seventeen-year-old Isabella signed the treaty with her useless King-brother, King Afonso V of Portugal contacted El Impotente with a proposal of marriage for Isabella. Note, his name was Afonso, one letter removed from Isabella’s dead brother, Alfonso. But more important than his name was Afonso’s scheme-iness, as he worked with El Impotente on a double-treaty that would marry Isabella (aged seventeen) to Afonso (aged thirty-six) AND ALSO marry Juana La Beltrenaja (aged four) to Afonso’s son Juan (aged thirteen). The end result of these inter-family marriages would be that Isabella would wind up the Queen of Portugal, with Juana La Beltraneja as the heir to the thrones of both Portugal and Castile. I think? Somehow, this arrangement would cut Isabella out of the entire line of succession for Castile (in a way that Isabella keenly understood but I don’t, but I trust her, so let’s go with it). Isabella was like, “I would like to use my VETO POWER” and refused to agree to these terms. But because she didn’t trust El Impotente, she also began working on her own super sexy secret marriage plans. To marry… Ferdinand, her childhood fiance!

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    Michelle Jenner as Isabella in Isabel

    Runaway Bride

    This part of the story is amazing. Like, there are so many stories about women who ran away to get secretly married (often because they knew that Queen Elizabeth I wouldn’t approve **cough Lettice Knollys** **cough Mary Grey**). But this is the first story I’ve encountered where the bride-to-be arranged for a secret sexy papal dispensation, which is part of what Isabella was up to. She wasn’t just secretly marrying some random noble, she was going to marry Prince Ferdinand of Aragon, and they had to do it all very legally. So she secretly exchanged messages with Ferdinand’s father, THE KING OF ARAGON, and also with THE POPEbecause Isabella and Ferdinand were second cousins and had to get special permission from the Pope to get married due to their family relationship. ANd while she was sorting that all out, El Impotente was still trying to find a way to marry Isabella off in a way that would also get rid of her. He busied himself trying to arrange a marriage to a French Prince named Charles, which would mean Isabella would be shipped off to France and out of his way, but little did he know, Isabella was MILES AHEAD OF HIM, scheming-wise.

    So, Isabella and Ferdinand couldn’t straight-up ask the Pope for a dispensation for their marriage because the news might get back to El Impotente. But one of them knew someone who knew someone who had access to the Pope’s personal stationery or something like that, and one way or another they acquired a falsified letter from the dead previous Pope, a man who had been dead for five years, that said basically, “Ferdinand can marry his second cousin, or his third cousin, no big deal” and that was that! They were good to go!

    Once the paperwork was all in place, Isabella casually was like, “Hey, I’m just going to go pay tribute to my dead brother Alfonso and visit my increasingly unhinged mother outside the city, don’t wait up for me, byeee!” And she took off. Meanwhile, Ferdinand left his castle DISGUISED AS A SERVANT, and they headed out to meet each other for their secret sexy wedding. Honestly, from being a little toddler in a spooky ghost castle to running away for a secret marriage to a Prince, through which she’d screw over her awful half-brother and position herself to take over most of Western Europe: THIS STORY IS EVERYTHING. And because these two were so smart and their plan was so good, Isabella and Ferdinand met up and got married basically immediately, on October 19, 1469, in the Palacio de los Vivero in Valladolid. Isabella was eighteen at the time, and Ferdinand was seventeen. Ah,  young love!

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    Michelle Jenner as Isabella in Isabel

    The War of the Castilian Succession

    Isabella’s secret wedding was basically a declaration of war against her half-brother El Impotente. She’d broken their brother-sister treaty (where she’d agreed to get his permission before getting married) and had landed herself a powerful alliance with Ferdinand’s country of Aragon. Isabella and Ferdinand got to work right away having an heir because that would help solidify their strength as a new super couple. While a son would have been ideal, their first child was a daughter they named Isabel (because so far, everyone in this story named Isabel or Isabella is AMAZING so: good name). But El Impotente was super mad about this sneaky marriage, and so amended his will to name Juana La Beltraneja, not Isabella, as his heir. And guess who wanted the 12-year-old Juana La Beltraneja to be Queen? Her mother, Juana of Portugal. Remember her?

    FLASHBACK: As we all recall, Juana of Portugal had a reputation for being “crazy” which really seems to mean that she “didn’t put up with El Impotente’s bullshit so he badmouthed her and then she took a lover and here we all are.” Eventually, El Impotente had kicked her out of his Royal court and she was like, “Is that supposed to be a punishment, because THANK YOU” and peaced out of there. She went to stay with a Bishop friend of hers, and then she fell in love with the Bishop’s sexy nephew and took him as her new lover, and had two out-of-wedlock children with him, and was just living her best life. El Impotente had eventually declared their marriage invalid and also divorced her, which might have been good for his self-esteem but put their daughter Juana La Beltraneja in a tricky position as she was now sort of illegitimate.

    BACK TO OUR STORY: Just two days after El Impotente did us all a favour by finally dying, Isabella marched int Segovia (where the Royal court was) to pull a full-on coup. She was, at this time, twenty-three years old just for reference. She literally paraded in a procession down the street wearing JEWELS and carrying a SWORD and who was going to cross her now?? No woman had ever taken over like this, and she was so impressive the nobles basically just let her become Queen because she was so terrifying and incredible. I mean: she launched a COUP PARADE with herself as Grand Marshall. She believed that she was God’s choice to be in charge of Castile, which helped soothe the hurt feelings of all the misogynists around her who normally wouldn’t support a woman in power. But when the options were the 23-year-old parade-holding political genius versus her 12-year-old possibly-illegitimate half-neice, Isabella seemed like the better of two options.

    To complicate (or maybe simplify?) things, Juana of Portugal died at around this time too, leaving Juana La Beltraneja in her own sort of ghost castle underdog scenario. But she still had lots of powerful supporters like the entire Portuguese royal family, including a man you might remember from a few paragraphs back, King Afonso V! His proposal to marry Isabella hadn’t worked out, and he now had his sights set on marrying Juana La Beltraneja and, through her, taking over Castile.

    And so, just five months after Isabella had been crowned Queen, Afonso and his troops marched from Portugal into Castile and he seemingly picked up Juana La Beltraneja and married her just like that. (If you’d like to visit the site of their nuptials, it’s in the Spanish city of Plasencia, which looks gorgeous, I’m so sorry for Juana that she had to get married there at age twelve to this old ambitious King). Again, this was marriage was an act of war, and the next four years comprised the War of the Castilian Succession. On one side: Juana La Beltraneja and Afonso; on the other side: Isabella and Ferdinand. Lives were lost, battles were fought, four years pass by and now it’s 1476 and it’s the Battle of Toro, where the whole war was ended when Ferdinand invented PR stunts.

    Here’s the thing: neither side was sure who had won the Battle of Toro. So Afonso’s troops went back like, “I guess we won?” And Ferdinand went around spreading Fake News that he had won in a huge victory, and his Fake News spread to some of Afonso’s allies who were like, “Oh wow, I guess we lost, let’s go back home to Portugal or whatever” and so many of Afonso’s troops mistakenly left that, in fact, Ferdinand’s side won. It was a victory for mind games and strategy and wound up with Juana La Beltraneja and Afonso heading back to Portugal where they stayed, basically, forever. (*More on this next time)

    And back on the home front, Isabella was busy with a parallel PR stunt. In front of witnesses, she had her daughter Isabel officially declared the heir to the crown of Castile. So not only was Isabella herself the Queen, by naming her daughter her heir, she was basically swearing herself in as Queen. Both Isabella and Ferdinand were just really aces at this sort of thing, using The Secret to basically will themselves into the positions they wanted to be in.

    But the team-up wasn’t just Ferdinand being a warrior and Isabella being a political mastermind back at home. Oh no, because Isabella was also a literal warrior Queen/ negotiating genius. For instance: later that same year, while Ferdinand was off fighting random other enemies, a rebellion broke out against Isabella and Ferdinand. Isabella was like, “I’m off to go and quash this!” All of her (male) advisors were like, “But what if you just stayed home with your baby daughter?” and she was like, “Sorry can’t hear you! I’m busy riding off on a horse to single-handedly negotiate with the rebels!!” And that’s just what she did, and the rebellion ENDED, because she’d been negotiating peace treaties since she was a teenager and could outsmart anyone at any game.

    So she was a political mastermind, had married a man who seemed to be her true equal in terms of scheming and ambition, had given birth to a daughter and heir, had driven her tween half-niece back to Portugal… what more was left to solidify Isabella’s place as Queen? Basically, because of patriarchy and misogyny, she still needed to have a son. And lo and behold, she gave birth in 1478 to a son who was named Juan, Prince of Asturias. With this baby boy now supplanting his sister Isabel as heir, there was really no argument to be made why Isabella shouldn’t be in charge of everything. She had the pedigree, she had the son, she had the record of military battles, she had the charisma and the intelligence… she was IT. She’d raised herself up from a toddler in a ghost castle to one of the most powerful monarchs in Europe, and she was just getting started.

    Join us next time as we look at Isabella’s thirty-year reign in a tale that includes: Christopher Columbus, various conquests and genocide, religious fanaticism, literal child torture, so much death, her influence on her daughter Katherine of Aragon, and Isabella’s particularly Catholic strain of divine madness.

  • Isabel of Portugal, Queen of Castile and León: The Mad Queen

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    There are four different royals called Isabel of Portugal. The woman we’re looking at today is the first one, and is best known for her reputation as The Mad Queen, a woman whose mental illness affected later generations of Spanish royals, someone who ended her life screaming at ghosts in an abandoned castle. As per ever, this is one part true and one part “history is written by the asshole men who hated her”, and her actual story is somewhere in the middle. I like the word “mad” in her situation because it’s a word with two meanings so it can either mean angry or insane. And Isabel of Portugal, Queen of Castile and León was definitely angry for reasons you’ll learn about very shortly. I wouldn’t say she was “insane” because she reacted in a wholly understandable way to a series of VERY FUCKED UP THINGS.

    Today, I hope, her family and doctors would understand her a bit better. We know today about things like post-partum depression, how traumatic childbirth situations can cause PTSD, and how mental health can be affected by lack of sleep and eating and being ABANDONED IN A SPOOKY CASTLE AND KEPT AWAY FROM THE WORLD. So Isabel was a Mad Queen: she was angry, she was dealing with mental health concerns, she ended her life disassociated from her own personality and just screaming at ghosts. But know what? Sometimes, you just have to scream.

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    As there aren’t any movies about Isabel’s life, we’ll be using the Spanish actress Michelle Jenner (seen here in the Medieval-era Netflix show La Catedral del Mar) for illustrative purposes

    Isabel was born in 1428 into the powerful Aviz family of Portugal. Now, this was the late Medieval period which meant that Europe was comprised of a bunch of little kingdoms who were warring with each other when they weren’t marrying their kids off strategically. Her father, Joao, was the uncle of the Portuguese king, Afonso V, meaning that Isabel was particularly valuable as a pawn to be married off for alliance reasons. And in Isabel’s case, her family decided to marry her off to King Juan II of Castile. Which is where all her problems began because — and this won’t surprise anyone who’s ever read Bluebeard, or any article I’ve ever written — he SUCKEDDDD.

    So, the thing about King Juan II of Castile is that he sucked in a useless way, rather than a malevolent way. Although this was the Medieval era, he was an early adopter of the Renaissance Prince ideal of hanging out and reading poetry and discussing philosophy and tapping your beard while you go, “Hmmm” very thoughtfully. Which is a great and chill way to be, but not when you’re the King of Castile and everybody is invading everywhere because it’s the late Medieval period in Western Europe. So why didn’t someone seize power from him? Well, because his right-hand man was this dude Alvaro de Luna who MURDERED EVERYONE WHO CROSSED THE KING.

    For instance, Juan’s first wife had been a woman named Maria of Aragon. Together, they had four children but in the usual ratio of child death in this era, only one had survived. Unluckily for them, this sole survivor was Prince Enrique who — surprise! — SUCKEDDDD. So the thing is that Enrique grew up and became a man and got married to a woman named Blanca II of Navarre. And the years went by and they didn’t have any children. And while we all obviously now respect people who choose not to have children, when you’re the Heir to the throne of 15th century Castile, having some sons was pretty non-negotiable. Everyone was like, “Why aren’t Enrique and Blanca having any kids??” and in fact, the bigger question was “Why have these two not even consummated their marriage after numerous years??” And the answer was that Enrique had an unusually shaped penis and couldn’t impregnate a woman, but that’s a bit too detailed for the Medieval gossips, and so everyone just started calling him EL IMPOTENTE.

    I promise we’ll get back to Isabel VERY SOON, but this foundational stuff is important to get what happens later. So, Juan was reading poetry and whatever and Evil de Luna was like, “Look, Juan, your son El Impotente is clearly never going to have children, and your wife Maria is past her childbearing years, so you should get a newer younger wife and start having some more SONS!” As a Catholic King in a Catholic country, Juan couldn’t divorce Maria, so he was like, “What can you do, de Luna?” And de Luna was like, “What I can and WILL DO is I will POISON MARIA TO DEATH” and that is what he did. Because murder was kind of his thing. And this is why 43-year-old Juan was on the market for a new wife. He sent de Luna out to find a suitable match, and it was this evil poisoner who noticed 19-year-old Isabel and thought, “Hey, she seems both fertile and compliant” and began writing up the papers for this new marriage.

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    Michelle Jenner as Mar in La Catedral Del Mar

    What we know about Isabel as a person is that she was a) dark-eyed, b) beautiful, and c) felt things Very Strongly. Like the ideal at this point was for young women to be pretty and submissive, but Isabel was a passionate sort of person whose personality would not be restrained by societal conventions. Like, we don’t know much about many other women who were living in the late Medieval period apart from how pretty they were, but Isabel’s personality was so interesting and unconventional that chroniclers wrote about it. I mean, how cool must she have been? Before they officially got married, Juan came down to meet Isabel and he was immediately smitten with her because: of course he was. She sounds AWESOME. Teenage Isabel, who never felt the need to even attempt to have a poker face, was like, “Ew,” but she had no say in the matter and the two got married. Which is when her problems got WORSE.

    Isabel was clever and also very observant, and it took her 0.0005 seconds to notice the toxic power relationship between her husband Juan and his murderous BFF de Luna. She was like, “Why does Juan just lie around reciting poetry? Why is de Luna in charge of literally everything, including how often and for how long I have sex with my husband???” Because: yes. Evil de Luna was so meddling and so obsessed with power that he literally scheduled when Juan and Isabel could have sex. And the way that de Luna lurked murderously around the corridors may have tipped Isabel off to what had happened to Juan’s first wife, and she started to suspect that de Luna might be trying to poison her as well. This is a situation in which paranoia is not just understandably, but justified and probably the best possible way to live.

    So, Isabel decided it was time to get rid of de Luna. Juan was so useless he couldn’t be without someone telling him what to do all the time, and so Isabel decided to make herself into his new advisor. And so, in a The Favourite-like twist — but more murderous — Isabel and de Luna began a rivalry to see which of them would land on top. Isabel had one tactic that de Luna couldn’t match her on, and that was: sex. She would whisper suggestions to Juan while they were in bed together, like, “Sure, I’ll do that sex thing you like if you get rid of de Luna” and Juan was like, “I do whatever people tell me to!” and the next morning de Luna would be like, “Murder your wife!” and Juan was like, “I don’t know who to listen to!!”

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    Michelle Jenner as Mar in La Catedral Del Mar

    When Isabel became pregnant, she gained even more influence over Juan, which was bad news for de Luna. But the pregnancy itself was bad news for Isabel, because this is Medieval times and obstetrics were not especially great, and she had a very rough pregnancy and childbirth. But good news: both she and the baby (a girl, who she named Isabel after herself, a move I always love!) both survived. Just to be clear, we’ll call the daughter Isabella. Anyway, due to hormonal shifts and sleep deprivation and potentially the PTSD of giving birth in MEDIEVAL TIMES, Isabel experienced some awful post-partum symptoms. And instead of being like, “Post-partum is a real thing, let’s support her with talk therapy and medication and self-care,” the doctors of the time were like, “Izzy’s gone MAD!!” and basically abandoned her.

    And so Isabel did the best she could, survival-wise, alternating between sitting around mostly inert and having screaming rage fits, which: understandable. She shut herself into a room by herself, and would only speak to Juan. Now, considering that de Luna is still on the scene and she didn’t know who she could trust, this all MAKES SENSE TO ME. But also? Her only being willing to talk to Juan worked well to make him even more devoted and loyal to her, and wound up helping with Operation Get Rid Of De Luna. It seems perhaps like she was experiencing NORMAL and HEALTHY MENTAL SITUATIONS given what was going on, and that she ALSO found a way to use this to her advantage, scheming-wise.

    While all this post-partum scheming was going on, de Luna was still creeping around trying to figure out a way to murder Isabel and/or to regain his influence over the King. But Isabel — BEDRIDDEN AND POST-PARTUM IN MEDIEVAL CASTILE — was three steps ahead of him, even still, and brought in a third co-conspirator to help out her side. This new member of #TeamIsabel was a man named Alonso Pérez de Vivero. But then!! Alonso’s double-dealing was discovered by de Luna, who proceeded to MURDER HIM by THROWING HIM OUT A WINDOW IN FRONT OF WITNESSES. And Isabel was like, “Oh snap, guess now we can arrest de Luna for murder, which means he won’t be your advisor anymore.” Next thing you know, de Luna was arrested for murder! Do we think Isabel used Alonso as a pawn to get de Luna arrested? I mean, I wouldn’t put it past her, Isabel was a legit mastermind even in the midst of some really serious medical and mental health concerns.

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    Michelle Jenner as Mar in La Catedral Del Mar

    So, de Luna was put on trial and while he was busy (I assume) bribing and murdering members of the jury, Isabel was now busy being pregnant and not dying in childbirth for the second time. The trial ended with de Luna found guilty, and executed, which Juan (remember him? The useless king?) found really upsetting because of Stockholm Syndrome. Five months after de Luna’s execution, Isabel gave birth to a son she named Alfonso. But even the birth of a new baby son and heir didn’t cheer up Juan, whose health was now suffering from his extreme grief. Juan became so ill from grief and probably not eating and just general Medieval germs, etc., that his son El Impotente was called to royal court because he might need to take over as King.

    Let’s just pause to check in on what El Impotente had been up to throughout these few soap operatic years. Unsurprisingly if you’ve read any men’s history, El Impotente blamed his wife Blanca for their childlessness and divorced her. In a trial just like when Henry VIII annulled his marriage to Anne of Cleves, or when What’s His Face tried to stop Frances Howard from divorcing him, El Imponte was like, “I can have sex with any other woman in the world other than Blanca! It’s totally her fault, not me!” Blanca was looking around like, “Seriously? Does anyone believe this shit?” And El Impotente was like, “Blanca is a witch! She has ensorcelled my penis, which is totally functional by the way!” And then Blanca was forced to go through a MEDIEVAL COURTROOM PAP SMEAR scenario, where her inside bits were examined to see if she was still a virgin. She was! Because El Impotente’s penis was not made to go inside of vaginas.

    And so, now single again, El Impotente married a new wife for us all to feel badly for. His second wife was called Juana of Portugal and guess what? They did not conceive any children and she still had her hymen because maybe it’s you, El Impotente, did you ever think of that?? Perhaps it’s your unconventionally shaped penis that clearly does not produce ejaculate?????

    So, Juan died of grief and probably tuberculosis or whatever, and El Impotente became the new King of Castile. El Impotente wasn’t much of a fan of Isabel or his two baby half-siblings, so he sent them away to live in the spooky and Crimson Peak-esque Castle of Arévalo. He provided Isabel with far less money than she’d been accustomed to, so she and her babies and her CONTINUING POST-PARTUM MENTAL HEALTH CONCERNS, were now living an austere and frugal life with no visitors, all alone and guess what?? SHE GOT MORE DEPRESSED like YOU DON’T SAY.

    Meanwhile, El Impotente and his wife Juana still didn’t have any kids, which meant that the next Castilian King was potentially going to be Isabel’s son Alfonso, which annoyed El Impotente. And then suddenly and out of nowhere, seven years after the marriage, Juana was pregnant! She also, coincidentally, had most likely just taken a lover named Beltrán de la Cueva! Juana had a baby daughter who she named after herself (seriously, let’s bring this naming convention back), but everybody was basically like, “We all generally accept that El Imponte is not this baby’s father, right?” And so Baby Juana became known as La Beltraneja, sort of named after the guy everyone assumed was her bio-Dad.

    And so at around this same time, Isabel’s children Isabella and Alfonso were finally freed from living with their mother at the Castle of Arévalo, and got to come hang out at royal court with their half-brother El Impotente. This was great news for them, because they were children and it’s great to see the sun and socialize and not be trapped in a spooky castle with your troubled mother. This was also bad news for Isabel, who without her children, had now lost most of her grip on reality. Allegedly, Isabel wound up not recognizing anyone — not even family members — and spent her days and nights wandering the empty castle corridors, screaming at ghosts. One of the ghosts who she saw was, apparently, that of her old nemesis de Luna. During this time period, her son Alfonso died suddenly at age 14 of, let’s assume, plague although there were RUMOURS that he had been POISONED which is not not a possibility, all things considered.

    When Isabella was a bit older, she pretended to be going to visit her mother at the Castle of Arévalo when in fact, she was running off to get secretly married… but that’s a story for another day. What I’ll leave you with here is that Isabella, in her adulthood, oversaw her mother’s care. When word reached her in 1496 that Isabel was on her deathbed, Isabella returned to the Castle of Arévalo for real. In her final years, Isabel had forgotten her own identity, and just wandered around being sort of randomly aggressive. Shortly after their reunion, Isabel passed away at sixty-eight years old.

    Isabel was interred at Cartuja de Miraflores, next to her husband Juan and son Alfonso. Her legacy of passionate living continued on as her daughter Isabella became one of the greatest monarchs in European history, her granddaughters Katherine of Aragon and Juana of Castile both became Queens, and her great-granddaughter Mary I was the first woman named Queen of England. The flip side of this legacy is that each of these women dealt with rumours of their own madness… which is why I’ll be examining their lives in the next few weeks. Stay tuned!

  • Marie de Guise: The Indominable French Queen of Scots

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    Have you heard of Marie de Guise? If you haven’t, you may be familiar with her daughter a certain Miss Mary, Queen of Scots. (For the sake of clarity, although both women alternated between spelling their names Mary and Marie, we’ll call the Mom Marie and the daughter Mary). Now, a lot went wrong in Mary’s life as we’ve looked at already, and a lot of that had to do with the decisions Marie made for her. But it’s a hindsight is 20/20 thing because if you rotate things even a little bit, Marie’s actions could have meant that we’d have a United Scotland-France megacountry where everybody’s Catholic, leaving Elizabeth I an afterthought. But you can’t plan for who’s going to die of what and when, meaning that Marie set up a chess game that Mary wasn’t able to finish. Basically, both women were born to be pawns to their respective male relatives, and that meant they had to fight for everything they ever achieved. And fate conspired that Marie was a lot more successful in that than her daughter would be.

    Don’t get me wrong: Marie de Guise was one ferocious, clever, and incredibly interesting person. And she got away with as much as she did because the men around her couldn’t stop underestimating her due to her gender. And knowing that, she just went on to crush them all even more. So let’s dig into this fascinating woman’s extraordinary life story!!

    camille rutherford as mary queen of scots
    As there aren’t any movies about Marie de Guise, Camille Rutherford from the French film Mary Queen of Scots will stand in for Marie here, due to her inherent Frenchness and Glamourousness

    So, picture it: it’s 1515, it’s the small French town of Bar-le-Duc. Two aristocrats are expecting their first bébé but the mother’s delivery is going faster than expected. So they aren’t able to have the child in the fancy home they’d planned, winding up delivering  Bébé Marie in a random peasant’s house because Marie always liked to make an entrance. She was their first kid, so of course they were like, “One girl, OK that’s fine, as long as we have a bunch of sons afterward for inheritance reasons,” and set her aside for future pawn-related marriage uses. They did, in fact, go on to have ten more kids — eight boys and Two more girls. Marie was sent off to be raised in a convent with her grandmother Philippa, who apparently was a nun (?). Marie wasn’t being trained to be a nun, of course, because her main purpose in life was to be a pawn in marriage negotiations to improve her family’s status. But hanging out with lots of women and away from royal court likely ensured she grew up with a good head on her shoulders.

    When she was fourteen aka marryin’ age, two of her uncles came to visit Philippa at the convent and to take a peek at how Marie was doing. To their surprise and excitement, Marie had grown up to be both Very Tall and Very Glamorous. Sort of a Cinderella scenario, where even in her convent girl outfits and probably like scrubbing floors or something, her beauty and magnetism was undeniable. And so the uncles were like, “Zut alors! We must send our Tall and Glamorous niece to the royal court, because surely she will snag herself a Very Rich And Powerful Husband!!” And so, because she was fourteen and a girl, she was shipped off to hang out with the French royal family and their courtiers. They had noticed that she was gorgeous and regal and had great posture, but didn’t yet realize that SHE WAS AMAZING.

    Marie strolled into French royal court and everyone was like, “Mais oui!! We toujours love this very tall and glamorous woman!” Two people who really loved her were the King’s daughters, Marguerite and Madeleine, and the three girls became instant BFFs. Marie’s uncles were twirling their mustaches with glee, because the more rich friends Marie got, the better her marriage would be, and the richer her uncles would become. At this time, France and Scotland were sort of dancing around each other as Catholic allies against the newly-Protestant England. This is why Scotland’s King James V showed up four years later to pick either Marguerite or Madeleine to be his new wife.

    James stepped into the room and was instantly distracted from the Princesses by their Very Tall And Glamorous Friend, but Marie wasn’t an option, and so he decided to marry the sickly Princess Madeleine (she had tuberculosis). Marie attended their wedding, presumably towering over everyone else and looking AMAZING, but she also had great manners so she also probably tried not to stand out too much. Princess Madeleine fell ill shortly after sailing over to Scotland and died just six months after this marriage. James was once again single and ready to mingle, and as Princess Marguerite was by now paired off with someone else, James was like, “So… is that gorgeous and Tall Glamorous Marie still available??” Too bad for him, Marie’s uncles had already paired her off with someone else, too. BUT JUST YOU WAIT, JAMES #spoilers

    camille rutherford mary queen of scots
    Camille Rutherford in Mary Queen of Scots, looking just as resigned and annoyed as I bet Marie was when her fate was being decided by her gross uncles

    The guy the Guise uncles had chosen for her was a man named Louis II d’Orléans. In the pantheon of possible husbands, he was only five years older than Marie, and also seems to have been a pretty OK sort of person. Considering the time and place, and how Marie had zero input in this match, this worked out pretty well for her. The main reason I think he was an OK guy and that Marie liked him was when he died — two years later — she kept his final letter to her and carried it around with her for the rest of her life. If you’re ever in the neighbourhood, you can visit this letter and some other of Marie’s correspondence, at the National Library of Scotland! Guess what: her handwriting is Glamorous. But would you expect anything else? 

    And so we find our heroine, aged twenty-one, pregnant, a widow, and the mother of a  baby son. She’d had her son, Francis, early in their marriage. She gave birth to a second son, named Louis for his dead father, a few months after her husband’s death* (*Louis Jr died in infancy, which is so sad, but also a thing that happened a lot back then to a lot of babies, this is part of why women had like 17 children). So, Marie looked at her little bébé son like, “Time for me to get married again, for financial and security reasons, I guess.” Luckily, she was still TALL and GLAMOROUS, and so every eligible bachelor in France and other countries were falling out of trees to be her next husband. This included — remember the #spoiler from a bit ago — James V, King of Scotland! He was not going to let her go without a fight, again. Also, his options of wife were limited to exclusively French women because of the whole Scotland-France alliance thing, and there weren’t any French princesses left on the market.

    BUT.

    Another King was interested in marrying Marie, and that King was KING HENRY VIII FROM ENGLAND!!! Yes, my least-favourite historical serial monogamist had found himself between wives and had heard that Marie was tall. (This particular sequence of events was happening after he’d beheaded Anne Boleyn and also after Jane Seymour had died, but before the Anne of Cleves scenario). So it was KING vs. KING in an epic battle to put a ring on Marie de Guise and, unlike Kelly Taylor on Beverly Hills 90210, she wasn’t able to decline them both and say “I CHOOSE ME” so she knew she’d wind up with one or the other. And there was no fucking way she was going to let it be Henry VIII, as she hated him just about as much as I do. When she heard Henry was like, “I want a tall wife!” she replied, and I QUOTE, “I may be a big woman, but I have a very little neck,” which was a MEGA BURN on Henry for pretty obvious reasons vis-a-vis his having recently beheaded Anne Boleyn.

    Marie was such an important woman at this point, due to her wealth and power and Glamourousness, that the French King himself got to decide who she’d marry. And he was like, “I also hate Henry VIII, and apparently James V is Catholic, so I choose James!” And just like that, Marie de Guise was engaged to be married to the King of Scotland. She was… not very happy about this because a) she didn’t want to leave France because b) her bébé son was there (she wasn’t allowed to bring him with her to Scotland) and so was the rest of her family and friends and c) Scotland was cold and damp and full of lairds instead of fancy French people in fancy French outfits. But guess what, she didn’t get a veto in this scenario, so the best she could do was ensure she got the best possible prenup. And basically, her uncles did a great job for her, landing her a deal as good as if she’d literally been a Princess. NOTABLY, there was a clause in the paperwork that if James died before her, she’d get to keep lots of land in Scotland.

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    Camille Rutherford in Mary Queen of Scots, looking Amazing

    And so, our Tall and Glamorous French heroine set sail to Scotland. As you may or may not recall (I had to just double-check on this myself), James’s mother was Henry VIII’s sister Margaret Tudor, who was like “FINALLY a cool and tall and glamorous woman for me to hang out with in this country neither of us want to be living in!! And as a bonus, she also hates my brother Henry VIII, so we will now be BEST FRIENDS” and they hit it off right away, like I can picture them sipping on wine like Cersei Lannister and making fun of all the Scottish people. Note to Scottish people: I love you, you’re great. But neither of these women wanted to be living that at this particular time and place, and also there were A LOT of asshole lairds wandering around being dicks at this time so it wasn’t the BEST place to be a cool woman who was also very smart.

    And so, Marie began her new life as Queen of Scots. She and her husband had two sons, named James and Robert, both of whom died on the same day in 1541 when one was eight days old and the other was less than one. So: Marie was now the mother of three dead boys, along with bébé Francis, who she didn’t get to see but who she exchanged letters with all the time. One year later, Marie had her first daughter, who she named Mary after herself — EPIC, LOVE THIS, very Lorelei Gilmour of her. Six days later, James died and so little bébé Mary was now Bébé Mary, Queen of Scots. And neither of their lives would ever be normal or calm ever again.

    Right away, the six-day-old baby caught the attention of Henry VIII, who — don’t worry, he didn’t want to marry her himself, he wanted to arrange a marriage between his son Edward and Bébé Mary. But, as he himself was again single (this was after Catherine Howard had been beheaded but before he’d snagged Kathryn Parr), he was like, “What about a two-for-one deal? My son Edward can marry Bébé Mary, and I’ll marry Glamorous Marie, and we can be like, a Renaissance Brady Bunch scenario?” Marie, who was now far far away from her Guise uncles and was now the Dowager Queen of Scots, was finally in a position where she got to make her own fucking decisions about her own fucking life. And so she replied to Henry’s offers like, “LOL, NO MERCI, AU REVOIR, THANK U NEXT” because no way was she going to ever marry Henry VIII or engage her bébé daughter to Son Of Henry VIII.

    Henry VIII, famous narcissist and sore loser we all know him to be, was like, “O RLY??” and basically went to war against Scotland to try and force Marie to at least let Bébé Mary get engaged to his son. It became a huge Catholic-Scotland/Protestant-England war, and because it was all about Henry being butthurt about Marie not agreeing to the bébé marriage, it was called The War of the Rough Wooing.

    mary q of s camille rutherford
    Camille Rutherford in Mary Queen of Scots, being like, “Oh girl just try me”

    Since Bébé Mary was too little to make Queen-related decisions, a Regent was put in place to run the country for her. The guy chosen was named James Hamilton, and Marie haaaated him. She attempted a coup to get him removed, but was unsuccessful, but you know she — not unlike Henry — didn’t give up easily. She kept herself busy during this time overseeing battles in The War of the Rough Wooing, and did it in true Marie de Guise style — wearing bespoke armour and carrying her own specially painted spear. Because she was a literal GODDESS at this point, basically.

    At one point, Marie headed out in her AMAZING OUTFIT to take a peek at a battle because she loved to watch the Scottish/French troops decimating the English troops. Unfortunately for her, her group got too close to the English team and sixteen of her armed guards were killed. RETREAT!! Marie of course survived, and she was so grateful to the guards who protected her that day that she gave a reward of one month’s wages to one particular guy who helped her out a lot. If this were a romance novel, she’d then engage in a sexy affair with this guy, but in real life, Marie was too busy for that sort of thing thank you very much. What was she busy doing? Oh, just arranging the engagement of Bébé Mary to Bébé Prince Francis, the heir to the throne in France (and oldest son of her fellow Goddess, Catherine de’Medici). And so, Marie sadly shipped Bébé Mary off to France to grow up among her Guise family and her Bébé Fiance’s royal family, where she’d grow up to be a pawn with a crazy life but that’s a story for another day.

    But Marie continued on in her lady armour to lead armies against Henry VIII’s stupid fucking war until the English troops finally retreated. It had been a long and stupid and frustrating and idiotic war, and Marie was so proud of winning that she wrote — literally — “the English had left nothing behind but the plague.” BURN. YES. And happily, now that the war situation was over, Marie was able to take a trip across the English Channel to visit her two children and the rest of her family in France.

    This trip was for both business and pleasure, and Marie used her political skill and personal charm to learn more about what was going on behind the scenes in France. Turns out, some people had planned to poison Bébé Mary Queen of Scots, but their plot had been foiled which is like Good News/Bad News I guess? Bébé Mary was still alive, but it sucked people were actively trying to murder her. Sadly, during Marie’s holiday, her son Francis died of Old Timey Child Disease, meaning that now Bébé Mary was her only surviving child. And though Marie was French and not English, she used a very Stiff Upper Lip Approach to continue the business part of her trip as she headed down to England for a meet-and-greet with the English King. By now, Henry VIII had died and his son Edward was now their Boy King. And despite the whole “waging a war to prevent him from marrying Bébé Mary” thing, Marie and Edward had a very polite and friendly visit. NOTE: Edward’s teenage older sister, Princess Elizabeth, attended this meeting. And while the other English women put on their best French-style fashions, Elizabeth was like “I ONLY WEAR ENGLISH DESIGNERS #SORRYNOTSORRY” which is sort of a clue as to how strong-willed she was as a person.

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    Camille Rutherford in Mary Queen of Scots, being like “Hey guess what Scottish assholes, I’M IN CHARGE NOW MMKAY”

    But Marie was still, of course, also strong-willed and AMAZING. She may not have been the Queen of Scots or even the Regent, but her work ethic, scheming, French connections, and personal magnetism meant that she was quickly becoming the most powerful human in Scotland. Remember how she hated the Regent, Hamilton, and tried to get rid of him earlier? Well, he luckily died and she flat-out named herself the new Regent. She and Bébé Mary were now a Mother-Daughter French-Scottish Royal Duo Of Gorgeousness And Wonderfulness. Marie set out assigning French or French-sympathizing Scottish people into important Scottish government jobs and basically turning Scotland into Mini-France. Her own brothers (remember, she was the oldest of eleven kids) were now adults and had important jobs back in France, so she consulted them as well as her uncles for political advice. It was a Guise World, the Scottish people were just living in it. And guess what: the Scottish people, especially the Protestants, weren’t super into what Marie was up to.

    Marie served as regent for four years, during which time her biggest challenge was the increasing amount of Scottish Protestants who hated everything about her. During her time in the role, England’s King Edward had died and was succeeded by his older sister Mary I, like maybe Scotland’s monarch was a tweenage girl who lived in France but at least they hadn’t been cycling through Kings and Queens at the rate that England had been doing. Now, Queen Mary I was a Catholic which you’d think was good news in terms of Scotland and England teaming up BUT NOT SO. Because Queen Mary I was married to the King of Spain, and Spain and France didn’t get along, and this is all very complicated but just trust me on this. Also during the period of Marie’s regency, Mary Queen of Scots was married to her longtime fiance Prince Francis.

    Got all that? I know it’s a lot. But buckle up because what happened NEXT is that Queen Mary I died and the new English Queen was the little girl who hadn’t dressed to impress a few years ago — that’s right, Queen Elizabeth I, who made England Protestant again. And this is where we all need to unfurl our excessively complicated Tudor family trees. Basically, Mary Queen of Scots was the granddaughter of Margaret Tudor, who had been Henry VIII’s sister. But Henry VIII had long ago disinherited Margaret and all her heirs for Scottish-Catholic related reasons. So while Mary Queen of Scots was according to some the rightful Queen of England, due to a technicality, Elizabeth got the job.

    Marie and the Guise uncles were like, “Oooh, how can we play this to our advantage??” And began figuring out how Mary Queen of Scots could take over England. Then, they hoped, Scotland and France and England could all join together into one big Megacountry full of Catholics who spoke French. And while they were in the middle of this scheme, the French King died, meaning that Mary Queen of Scots’s husband Francis was now the King of France, meaning Mary Queen of Scots was now Mary Queen of Scots And Also France. The Guise uncles were like, “OMG AMAZING” and they got her to start subtly hinting she was the true English Queen by doing stuff like including England’s Coat of Arms in her Coat of Arms, which was like a MEGA BIG DEAL. Elizabeth, who was young and still figuring stuff out but who was also very smart and clever, was like, “Time to shut these Guises DOWN”. And so Elizabeth started secretly supporting the Scottish Protestants who opposed Marie. So it was now MARIE versus ELIZABETH. But the thing is, the Scottish Protestants already hated Marie so actually things were not looking great for our gal.

    camille rutherford mary queen of scots 4
    Camille Rutherford in Mary Queen of Scots being like, “OH MY GOD CAN YOU PLEASE STOP REBELLING AGAINST ME???”

    The Scottish Protestants — including my personal historical nemesis, notorious misogynist John Knox — staged a huge revolt against Marie. Marie was like, “I think the fuck NOT” and threw on her couture armour and grabbed her special spear and led her troops out to meet them. But then another group of rebels also arrived and she may have been Tall, Glamorous, and Amazing, but she was also outnumbered and so she and her team retreated. At this point, some of Marie’s allied switched sides, and then Edinburgh fell to the Protestants. Things were getting worse and worse, so got France to send over more troops to help her out, and her team had a big victory in an area called Fife. Mary, again with the amazing quotes, said literally (I like to think she screamed): “Where is now John Knox’s God? My God is now stronger than his, yea, even in Fife.” But then Elizabeth sent more troops up from England, which tipped things in the Protestant side again.

    Elizabeth agreed to meet the Protestant leaders to work out a treaty, which wound up with both sides agreeing to expel the French from Scotland. This is obviously not what Marie wanted, so the battles continued on between her French-supporting Catholic pals and the English-Scottish-Protestant contingent. AND YET, don’t forget, Marie was still the Seina Shimabukuro of her age: even her enemies and haters were like, “Goddamn, this woman is a STAR and I love her.” For real, though: the English ambassador said Marie had the “hart of a man of warre” (sic) and the English bishop said Marie was “a woman with a man’s courage” which are both utterly misogynist back-handed compliments, but in that day and age were kind of the best you could get.

    And so the battles kept raging and Marie kept not giving up, negotiating with the Scottish rebels and overseeing battles, etc. But then she fell ill. Her symptoms were pretty horrible, like her stomach and legs swelled up painfully, she lost the ability to speak, and she lost her mental faculties, just like… gruesome awfulness and you know that the physicians were like “LEECHES CURE EVERYTHING” or whatever. She probably had edema, which was then called dropsy; some modern historians have considered the fact that she was poisoned, but her symptoms are pretty much textbook edema. Marie de Guise passed away on June 11, 1560, aged forty-four.

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    Camille Rutherford in Mary Queen of Scots

    Legacy

    Because Scotland was still in the midst of religious chaos, the body of Marie de Guise had to be secretly carried out in the middle of the night to be shipped to France, where you know she’d want to be buried. Like, she’d fought hard and unrelentingly for Scotland but I don’t think she ever… liked it there. A massive marble tomb was erected, along with a bronze statue of Marie looking Tall and Amazing. Like a lot of that sort of thing, it was all destroyed centuries later in the French Revolution, so we can’t go and visit it today. That all feels like a sort of metaphor for her whole life, in a way? Anyway, her body wound up with her sister Renee, who had become a nun, and she was buried in Reims at the Convent of Ste. Pierre, which is sort of a bookend to the way she was first truly discovered while staying at a different convent with another relative.

    Marie’s death basically ended the French-Catholic side of the religious battle going on in Scotland. A document called the Treaty of Edinburgh was signed which did a lot of stuff politically, one part of which was to leave the power of the Scottish government in the hands of the Protestants. James V’s illegitimate son, a Protestant also named James (because this story didn’t have enough Jameses in it already obviously), took over as the head of government in Scotland as long as Mary was in France.

    Mary Queen of Scots didn’t return to Scotland for another few years, not until after her husband Francis had died. She’d spent nearly all of her life in France, meaning that she had little understanding of what had been going on in Scotland. To be fair, the Guises hadn’t thought she’d need to have a connection to Scotland. After all, Mary was married to the French King, meaning she would be planning to live out the rest of her life in France. So when her husband died unexpectedly young, without having had any children with Mary, she was left without a plan. The Guises had basically given up on both Scotland and Mary by this point, meaning she didn’t have them supporting her.

    Marie de Guise did not intentionally fuck things up for her daughter. If Marie, or Mary’s husband Francis, or if King James V, or if Queen Mary I or King Edward had lived longer, this story would all have wound up differently. Marie de Guise played hard with the cards she was dealt, emerging as one of the most powerful and influential Queens of Renaissance Europe. And also, through her grandson James VI and I, Marie de Guise is an ancestor to every English monarch through to the modern generation.

    Further Reading

    There have been far more books and movies made about Mary Queen of Scots than about Marie de Guise. That being said, there are a few books you can read to learn more about her Glamorous and Amazing life, such as the novels The Five Year Queen by Janet Walkinshaw and The Lymond Chronicles series by Dorothy Dunnett. The main biography I used as a source for this was Scourge of Henry VIII: The Life of Marie de Guise, which is a super interesting read.

    ** Edit: Corrected some info re: which wives Henry VIII was between at the time he was Roughly Wooing Marie.